HISAP SUA

2007-04-09T20:11:00.000+08:00

bitch

moving

2006-12-05T13:42:00.000+08:00

i am in the process of moving...

to

avloomat.wordpress.com

provoked

2006-11-29T21:46:00.000+08:00

some people who dont really know me wouldnt realise that i have a very bad temper. that however happens once in a blue moon when my patience has been exhausted or a lack of decency and respect is not adhered.

earlier today, both categories are covered. i shant bother on the details in order to make this rather dull blog a bit more colourful. i sincerely believe that what i am about to relate to you is colourful enough.

in any case, THIS is what sparked my outrage.

(arriving late for my class) bitch: 'You people change venues at your whim and fancy...'

(its 15 past 9am) me: 'fucking hell bitch! can you be a little ruder than that!'

(absent for first lecture yesterday) bitch:'what the...i dont think i deserve this from you...'

(fed up with Singapore's complaining society ailment) me:'i said, fucking hell bitch! and you think I deserve THAT from you!?'

...

i shall not hide behind a veil of excuses. i shall however say that i wouldnt have reacted that way unless provoked.

call me a biyatch. call me egoistic. call me sexist.

i was provoked. she got what she asked for. full stop.

weddings

2006-11-26T13:58:00.000+08:00

i understand how much people loathe going for weddings. it's a chore really. meeting relatives you dont like. meeting people you hate. meeting people who claim that they've known you your entire live while you struggle to place them in any form of symbiotic relationship you might have.

some who revel in such an event use it as an opportunity to show off. their new clothes, their new cars, their new jewelry, their new better halves etc. etc. i have plenty of friends who revel in such instances. its a chance to tell the whole world that unmeaningful life have turned for the better to a rather life changing, earth shattering tasks of manning their new lives called 'the marriage'.

i resent that. they speak at and to you condescendingly as if you have done nothing worth the while or of value to society in your life. i really resent that.

however, as it was, the wedding on Saturday wasnt such an event.

surprisingly most of my relatives stayed on the course of the non-judgemental. they didnt even flinch when i told them that i was unemployed. it was a nice change indeed. it even made the wedding a nice place to be although i did become bored as soon as i arrived, as usual.

i stumbled upon an old journalist friend who is the best friend of an ex girlfriend.

i am always in denial as to how much time has passed and how time has flown. in that conversation the often avoided subject was breached. nevertheless it wasnt a nostalgic trip through romance, innocence and naivety but a contemporary jolt that shocked me into the realisation that a lot of time has passed ever since.

in case you are wondering, that exgirlfriend of mine is currently working as a social worker in Qabul, Afghanistan.

like a broken record this played in my head time and again:

it has been a while... it has been a while.... it has been a while... it has been a while.... it has been a while... it has been a while.... it has been a while... it has been a while.... it has been a while... it has been a while.... it has been a while... it has been a while....

Nostalgia and Yvonne Kwan

2006-11-23T11:33:00.001+08:00

who says rain only brings ill-fates and mitigated disasters.

when it poured cats and dogs and rats last night in Orchard Road, i had to take refuge in one of my former favourite haunts, Plaza Singapura. for years before i had left for Perth, that was the place where i received my musical education and my talents were honed.

however, in recent visits, the place have been swarmed by a thousand pair of strangers' eyes. that could either be attributed to my myopia or the increase in human traffic and the outflux of friendly personels.

however, the rain brought me to a chance meeting. it brought me a man named Rosli.

he is a guitar guru whom i studied with for a bit. further into the conversation, it was rather refreshing to hear that he has married his long standing sweetheart and more excitingly will be finishing up the final recordings of his debut instrumental album.

things are moving on aye...

from that encounter i managed to extract my former bassists' mobile number whom i duly contacted almost immediately.

hence that fated encounter let to another meeting of old acquaintances. the following meeting goes by the name of one Bani Rahman.

when i met him at Eunos Block 4, it doesnt seem that he has changed at all. same round figure. same round tummy. same corny musician's humour. just think Fat Albert...

a friend of his came by a little later while i was on my second tea fix.

i found out that she was a property agent and the rest as they say is history. to make matters worst, another one of those property agents came by and sat with us.

at one point in time i had only 3 things to be thankful for. God, for still having faith that my life is worth the while. Bani, for being present, and a mug full of tea, to keep me occupied while my heart fidgets.

well it wasnt that bad of course. but we kept drifting in and out of everday topics and property agent sanctioned topics. so while zoning in and out of conciousness, eventually i zoned out completely and chose to become Rob Zombie.

in that state of unconciousness we all exchanged numbers.

it was 1130 and i had to take my leave.

while immersing myself in Nick Hornby's world of How to be Good, i received a text message (amongst few others).

the most notable one being:

'... its an honour to noe sumone with high qualifications like u, yet so humble...'

nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not another Yvonne Kwan!!!

a broader smile

2006-11-23T09:53:00.000+08:00

for reasons many Americans would choose to ignore, today, i shall smile a bit broadly, while a little dance of joy is appropriate and thumping-in-the-air fist is called for.

how i wish days like days would stay forever...

so excuse me while i kiss the sky and bask in the momentary sense of glory...

Smile...

2006-11-22T14:50:00.000+08:00

it is going to be difficult to wipe this grin on my face for the next few days in the light of Manchester United's defeat at Parkhead, Glasgow.

it is going to be tough to wipe this grin for the next few weeks if Man U doesnt qualify for the second round.

It is even going to be an impossible task to wipe this grin until the rest of the season if Liverpool wins the Champion's League again.

If...

how to get on and off trains and buses with ease (even during rush hour)

2006-11-16T23:17:00.000+08:00

i wanted to rush home from the city just now. i wanted to reach home by 6pm because our favourite President, Bush was going to make his speech and it was to be televised live on Channel News Asia.

no no no... dont mistake me for a pseudo-politico-intellect wannabe. no no no... i've looked in the mirror a gazillion times. vain i might sound but i have to admit that i am better looking than Henry Kissinger.

truthfully, the desire to watch the circus was to spot some of my own's Letterman's Presidential Moments/Speeches.

however, like i mentioned before, those wants were merely wants. it didnt materialise. the rush hour had impeded my TalkShow wannabe fantasies.

which was when i had an epiphany of some sort.

in my head, an article headline perfect for the local afternoon paper, complete with its 70s porno neon lights, came into my attention.

it read:
'how to get on and off trains and buses with ease (even during rush hour)'

i would began with the following,

just follow these 10 Golden Rules
1-make sure you place yourself strategically when you get on. that means do the tough work first. weave your way through in like a snake...

...then it dawned upon me, what 10 golden rules!?

its the survival of the fittest! you shove, push, elbow, weave like a snake! do what you must or else you are left with nothing! nothing i say!

these people! they dont care who you are! young or old! strong or weak! they will shove you out of the game. so shove or be shoved!

or do what i always do...

wait for the next train.

ladies and gentlemen...

2006-11-16T10:51:00.000+08:00

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girl, men and women, males and females and not forgetting those stuck in between...

let me announce this with a heartfelt welcome, warmest embrace, loveliest smile, and not forgetting in the spirit of the brotherhood of mankind...

on this momentous occasion, historical landmark, a giant step for mankind, gangatuan event, and not forgetting its significance to Singapore's cultural tradition...

... that ... Bush is Here...

2006-11-16T00:55:00.001+08:00

watching the repeat of Liverpool's demise last weekend hasnt made me feel any better...

Captain Jean Luc Picard

2006-11-14T22:57:00.000+08:00

i was watching the Kumars on TV12 when i found myself rappingly engaged in the interview that was underway. you see, the guest was Patrick Stewart.

however, little did i realise that the subject matter at hand was on fabric. it was a rather menial topic about how after two seasons of Star Trek the New Generation they changed the futuristic fabric of spandex to cotton on the advice of his chiropractor. for a moment i did feel moronic to say the very least. however after that moment has passed, such thoughts felt in a distant past.

only a man of his charisma could turn such a menial topic to sound so elegant and enticing.

however, the interview did make a turn for the more interesting. that was when grandma kumar pointed out how come there aren't more Indians in the Starship Enterprise. Patrick was of course a bit ashamed of the fact. nevertheless, grandma kumar commented further.

'...dont you think you need IT Support...'

classic.

but it was not as classic when he was asked to quote Shakespeare.

he said:

Signor Antonio, many a time and oft
In the Rialto you have rated me
About my money and my usances.
Still have I borne it with a patient shrug,
For suff'rance is the badge of all our tribe.
You call me misbeliever, cutthroat dog,
And spit upon my Jewish gaberdine,
And all for use of that which is my own.

how does he do it?

from being Captain Jean Luc Picard, the epitome of geekiness, one moment to Professor X the next but still when called upon spouting Shakespeare with the greatest ease and with the upmost integrity. i realise it's not only his voice. well maybe partly. ok largely. but it is also how he puts it. imagine Britney Spears or Bush weaving their way through a topic like fabric.

it amazes me.

i know i would sound like an idiot.

now, that doesnt amaze me.

Bass... How Low can You go!

2006-11-14T12:18:00.000+08:00

the good thing about a sore throat is that my voice has turned raspily bassy. as Chuck D had mentioned once upon a time in Bring the Noise, 'how low can u go?'

yeah how low can i go?

maybe i could do a Ja Rule.

which reminds me of waiterrant.net's Richard-Burton-narcisstic-being-able-to-get-laid-on-the-account-of-his-voice customer.

excuse me while i chuckle at and with myself...

plastic covers and such

2006-11-13T08:37:00.000+08:00

somehow my condition hasnt been made better by Liverpool FC's severe beating by Arsenal FC at the new, pristine, still in plastic covering of Ashburton Grove's Emirates Stadium.

no excuses... lost to a better team.

the midterms and i...

2006-11-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

somewhere between feeling sorry for oneself and intoxicating myself with plenty of paracetamol, the Democrats took the House of Representatives and apparently seized the Senate by the minutest of margins. in my drugged state, i might have inclined to believe that what had just happened was just a hallucination. only when i sobered up for the best part of today that i realised the magnitude of that event.

many of us might have rejoiced and do a jig over this event. but probably that has a little or more to do with the fact that the Democrats isnt Bush's party. and because of that there is a strong sense of hope that Bush will not be elected for a third term.

well that's what they said the last time round.

we should however ponder on whether lady justice has finally won? is there going to be more justice in the world? or a finally peaceful earth would reign?

American policies in relation to the rest of the world has been developed throughout the years by the various regimes and administration. it has been developed by the academia of its ruling and thinking elite. its beliefs and misbeliefs is deeply rooted and entrenched in the psyche of the american people. at the core of that belief is the belief that america is the centre of the earth. (the fact that i, a singaporean whose voice is a minority of a minority of a minority, am talking about this says it all)

however that is a topic for another day.

more urgently we should ask, will the democrats live up to its promise? or will they merely exact revenge on the republicans for treating them so unfairly and badly?

we shall see...

not feeling well

2006-11-11T00:45:00.000+08:00

between writing the umpteenth drafts for my articles and finding new materials to create a new set of lyrics, i have been suffering from a massive headache, sore throat and neausea.

i wonder, have i had too many ciggies? too many late nights? lack of sleep? not enough healthy food?

the list of questions goes on.

perhaps it was a delayed reaction to last sunday's food fiesta coupled with a range of clove cigarettes. please do remind me next time that they make me sick.

i hope i heed the voices when the time comes. i hate to feel what i am feeling right now.

CHUM-BER!!

2006-11-08T12:01:00.000+08:00

on a fateful Saturday, Mr Tom, Mr Nose and i were hanging out at a coffeedshop near Boat Quay.

i cant say we were having a deep conversation about the meaning of life. i doubt that was the topic of our conversation. we had just watched Manchester United's defeat by Arsenal much to my quiet glee. nevertheless, Liverpool's own defeat wasnt exactly a nice feeling to possess at that point of time too.

so in the end, the conversation took a predictable turn into the red light district of sex and women. its not so much about the act that we talk about but how audacious it can be.

while deep in conversation, suddenly i heard a girl speaking as loudly as she could into her mobile. frankly i was pretty annoyed. i am very annoyed by people who speak to their mobiles as if the person has serious hearing problem or that the person is actually present in the vicinity but is standing at the end of the room.

call me intolerant but this cant be.

however that annoyance took a seriously weird twist. its as if the car that i was driving cornered that sharpest corners, spinned a few times, and then head off to a different direction. indeed. it was that type of twist.

just as the dust and smoke was settling mostly due to burnt rubber we heard her say...

'CHUM ---BER!'

no make that a scream. she said it a few more times, obviously the lingua franca was Mandarin.

'CHUMBER! CHUMBER!'

because my knowledge of Mandarin has stayed at Primary 3 since the last century i wouldnt be able to translate that to you, my dear esteemed friends and readers.

and then the unthinkable happen... the smart girl spelt the word...

'C-H-A-M-B-E-R'

to be frank, she was quite gorgeous. tall, slim, long straight hair, gorgeous top, expensive jeans and perhaps the most dear item on her, beautiful high heels. but the minute she spelt CHUMBER, all that was beautiful came tumbling down.

Crumbled like Pompeii crumbled underneath the lava of Mt Versivus...

hope and determination...

2006-11-03T23:11:00.000+08:00

sometimes i would dwell on the outskirsts of hopelessness. not often but at times when things are not going as i would like them to be.

nevertheless, when i was watching the tele on a certain friday night, i saw something that gave me hope. a malaysian artist was performing an acoustic set. as i watched closely i realised i knew every single musician backing him. they were, if not friends, close acquaintances.

and then i would be infected by the virus of determination...

there is hope after all...

the weekend summed up

2006-10-26T17:17:00.000+08:00

if last week was Bellamy... this week its best summed up with two digits... 0-2...

why did they lose?

Paul Tomkins

2006-10-18T23:10:00.000+08:00

i like it when writers are a bit biased. but not up to the point of condescending others...

Paul Tomkins is one such fella.

that bit of scouser charm; red tinted myopia; quite a good flair, waxing lyrical whenever he speaks of our beloved Liverpool Football Club...

despite that he is quite honest, really.

Alright, with abated breath i await for tonight's game against Bordeux...

...When you walk...
... through a storm...
.....

give it away...

2006-10-17T16:45:00.001+08:00

when you are doing three writing pieces at the same time, one of them is bound to be give way.

my thoughts about my David Mamet wannabe masterpiece have come to a screeching halt. i have lost all love for it exactly on act 2 scene 3 line 45...

Meiling finds out that Alex slept with Mimi.
(background music: nyeeeettttt....borrowed from the bold and beautiful)

i willl shelve it for now. maybe get back when my head isnt as clogged as my arteries...

seriously i have gone a bit OC on this one. have lost my artistic integrity by dispensing with my theatre roots and embracing its Hollywood's bastard cousin...

a cup of tea madam?

alright, perhaps somebody should place their Reeboks or Adidas or even better still their Ted Bakers on my shiny brown ass with all their might...

just got round the bend...

give it away...

2006-10-17T16:45:00.000+08:00

Craig Bellamy

2006-10-15T18:04:00.000+08:00

my week and weekend is best summed up in a word and a gargoyle of fella - Bellamy.

Crouchie might be admired but after Alonso, he's my hero... that crazy fella...

at last he broke his league scoring duck. one for Wales, the other for You Will Never Walk Alone Liverpool....

and now, excuse me (as the camera zooms out) while i bellow out an evil laughter...

uninspired and worn out...

2006-10-04T05:27:00.000+08:00

lately i have been feeling uninspired and worn out. i am sure some of you might have gotten the hint by my sparing blog entries and equally unimaginative ones whenever i do so.

during those uninspired moments whose concrete equivalent is that of a dark gorging valley, i seek for inspiration in long lost music albums and cds (cassettes?) i found two...

one was Hail to the Thief by Radiohead and the other U2's 1993 effort, Zooropa. ok maybe Hail to the Thief is not so ancient after all but if you havent been listening to it for more than 2 months that is a bloody long time. as for Zooropa, the year that was produced is self explanatory.

one thing both albums have in common is its use of electronic gadgets, weird sounds, and its randomness... well that's one would have thought on a first listen...

but that's the beauty i would guess.... with so much chaos, there is a pattern that a listeners would look out for. sometimes it can be a needle in a haystack exercise. sometimes it would be a eureka moment...

fortunately for me on both listens, the feelings belong to the latter category.

i have always believed that good albums, well-written songs sound better on the umpteenth listen. ageless, timeless and ultimately in pristine condition...

it is different though, when a song becomes nostalgic. because, being nostalgic dates the effort. one's emotions and thoughts time travel to immerse onself in the experience.

i shall give two polar opposites of an example.

nostalgic: Air Supply.

timeless: Hendrix.

how many musicians research Air Supply as a piece of groundbreaking music like they do with Hendrix?

like i've said in the beginning, lately i have been feeling uninspired and worn out. but it is inspiring to be able to make sense in something when there's so much randomness...

Ego Trip

2006-09-26T05:50:00.000+08:00

Before Perth, i've never had anyone coming up to me to offer the words of praise with regards to my looks.

dont get me wrong, i am not looking for one...

personally, if i do get it fine and good, but if i dont it doesnt affect me in any minute sort of way.

it is just a thought that raced through my mind as i was reading 'waiterrant.com' about a customer whom waiterrant called Sir Richard Burton because of the baritone similiraties. waiterrant even went on to speculate that Sir Richard might have gotten a lay or two on the strength of his voice alone. the fact that he talks too much reflects that his narcissm extends to his voice.

now, that'll be an ego trip...

in any case, like i was saying, such words of praise in my home country are often reserved for celluloid figments of imaginations or creatures from lands far far away.

which was quite a shock for me when a few years ago in Perth that two North American girls hurled despicable vocabularies such as 'cute' and 'hot' at me. i didnt know what to make out of that. it is quite amazing... hell it was the same time when my then girlfriend openly confessed that i wasnt good looking at all. i didnt really think much of it back then and it just crossed my mind thinking about this ego trip...

i am just happy, i have no hideous scars on my face. thank God.

I Miss You...

2006-09-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

saying 'i miss you' doesnt quite cut it for me...

i would understand and feel what has been uttered to the fullest if someone says it to me. however, i feel, whenever i say it, i have shortchanged my target audience.

it probably sounds a bit cliche that my words do not describe my emotions and meaning fully. however, it doesnt quite grasp the truth when i think i have.

maybe a song or a few songs might explain 30 percent of the meaning. or perhaps an additional a few films might add another 20 percent. nevertheless, that's a mere 50 percent. i have little clue in which i would be able to attain the rest. if it is even possible.

even the best authors have never been quite satisfied with their little pieces of literatures... it must be remembered that any pieces of artwork is an extension of a philosophy. so they often question themselves as to whether they have profoundly expounded on those ideas.

missing a person is an 'idea' in some respects.

it is the image and emotion conjured up when a person who have been a big part of the person's life isnt physically there.

on top of that, different languages have either managed to grasp that concept or ultimately fail to understand it...

for example,i have learnt in the Japanese language there is no such lexicon.

they only have this phrase (loosely translated):
'i am sad because you are not here.'

in the Malay/Indonesian language there are a few...

rindu, damba, kangen...

so the debate rages...

i still maintain that those words dont quite cut it for me maybe because my expectations are a bit too high. perhaps a soundtrack needs to accompany it. just like a film without incidental music would sound or barely sound...

probably it's a process. for that, i'd probably need at least a paragraph or two or at least a blog entry which i am currently doing...

however, why do i still have that nagging feeling that my mission isnt complete...

oh well... at least i tried. and i shall try again in not so many words....

i miss you very much...

One

2006-08-30T02:37:00.000+08:00

I have been listening to this song for the past few days…

Satu

aku ini adalah dirimu
cinta ini adalah cintamu

aku ini adalah dirimu
jiwa ini adalah jiwamu
rindu ini adalah rindumu
darah ini adalah darahmu

reff:
tak ada yang lain selain dirimu
yang selalu ku puja
ku sebut namamu di setiap hembusan nafasku
ku sebut namamu, ku sebut namamu

dengan tanganmu aku menyentuh
dengan kakimu aku berjalan

dengan matamu aku memandang
dengan telingamu aku mendengar
dengan lidahmu aku bicara
dengan hatimu aku merasa

translation:

One

I am you
This love is yours too

I am thyself
This soul is yours too
The yearning is yours too
This blood is yours too

Chorus
There is no other
That I bow to
I speak your name, at every breath
I speak your name, I speak your name

With your hands I touch
With your feet I walk

With your eyes I observe
With your ears I heed
With your tongue I address
With your heart I sense

lovely
puts a smile on my face, at least for a fraction of a second...

there she goes again...

2006-08-29T17:35:00.000+08:00

yesterday my mama came to 'my room'. the few times that she does that is when she puts my brothers' folded clothes or to ask me if i wanted to have dinner. this time her hands were empty. she hovered around at the doorway as if she wanted to share something with me. so i asked her, 'what is it?'

'you know why Mel (my house maid) was so quiet for the past few days?' she said hesitantly.

i shrugged my shoulders to indicate that i was ignorant or even aware of what was happening.

apparently she was told off by her mother, who so happens to be my sister's maid who is currently living with her husband in Shanghai. the reason for that was my crazy sister in law, aka The Bitch, had been in touch with her.

The Bitch had asked Mel to get her a maid to babysit her baby. Gullible as Mel might have been, she got in touch with her aunt who runs a maid agency here. So a maid was arranged. one of the conditions is that she would have to stay here in our apartment. bearing in my mind that this is probably have been done without the knowledge of my brother the Bastard.

now this is the sore point.

long before we moved to this new apartment, the Bitch had done the same thing. when my brother stumbled on that fact he confronted my mother.

'what do you think you are doing,' he retorted.'i dont want a maid. do you know what will happen if anything ever happen to the maid!? i will get in trouble. and Aki (the eldest brother) will get into trouble. and you could land in jail!?'

how dare he spoke to our mother that way. it wasnt by any means an argument in which both parties have a stake at the issue. The Bastard was giving a dressing down to my mama. and you know what's the worst thing, the Bitch was quiet all along. she didnt even utter a single word in my mother's defence.

'i didnt want the maid, its your wife who wants a maid,' said mama defending herself.

'dont u think i would have known about it!? if anything she would have told me!? he said.

yeah right, you would have known about it alright...

when mama was relating this to me, she used a few vulgarities. i have never heard her used it. what i had related above is a watered down version. really. i've never seen her so worked up.

as i sat there in front of my computer, i felt sick to the stomach. a collection rage and visions of criminal deeds surged through my feet right up to my head. i could feel her pain.

but all that came out of my mouth was

'there she goes again.'

however what struck me was that my loving mama had said, 'we do not want to have to do anything with them.'

my god! those were strong words.

lately...

2006-08-26T01:21:00.000+08:00

i have finished reading 3 books. 3 rather difficult reads...

Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children, Danarto's Setangkai Melati di Sayap Jibril (A Rose on Angel Gabriel's Wings), and Pramoedeya Ananta Toer's Arus Balik (The Way Back, I think, correct me if i am wrong)...

maybe deep down inside i had a sado-masochist in meself...

i had cramped them all in the space of 5 days is really amazing... really...

Midnight's Children is actually my second read. the first time it took me 3 months. but i was juggling between my teaching schedule, my girlfriend, family and free time...

the other two were virgins...

all of them philosophical. rhetorical.

i dont think i shall ever do that again. maybe it is time for me to do something lighter.

ah well.

by the way, 'the music store's first scene has just been completed. it should be about 5 minutes. is 5 minutes of stage time too long? maybe i should wait until at least half the play is completed then possibly, quite possibly should i take a step back and weigh the options...

i plan to make it an hour.

we shall see...

i thought i broke my guitar...

2006-08-25T01:04:00.000+08:00

i didnt do anything really...ok, maybe i was playing it?

while i was noodling around with my Telecaster aka trying and pretending to practice scales and appergios there was a loud thud and all the strings flew off, almost hit my face and eyes. luckily my Kung Fu Tiger Claw reflexes were as good as it was 10 years ago... i jumped off my stool and threw my guitar away...

strings Low E to B broke...

i just froze. staring at my Tele which luckily landed on my brother's bed...

i didnt think i played that hard... whateve it was, my beloved Tele didnt break...

i guess that was the closest to an accident to that Pangkor Island motorbike incident 12 years ago...

Writing a Play...

2006-08-23T15:04:00.000+08:00

I have been brainstorming ideas for a new play that I am writing. As usual I followed the time-tested principle of writing what I know about.

That means I should never deviate from Music, Education and Relationships.

I mean if I were to write something out of those boundaries I would probably have to do a lot of research. For the time being, it isn’t something I am looking forward to do. The thing is I already need to do research on characters and subject matter. Hence I shall take the not too taxing way out.

A few hours later, I had an epiphany of some sort and came up with the working title: The Music Store. Not a moment later, I was thinking Jack Black in High Fidelity.

Not many people like that film. Some say it is too wordy. Others say too close to the novel. Well sorry for not being intelligent enough to notice your stupidity.

Digressing.

So in came the themes. Faithfulness, Music Appreciation or the Arts in general, rape, murder, conspiracy, terrorism…

Well you get the picture. The imagination spawned seeps into a deeper darker genre than the one before. So far I have 4 characters and a scene.

Ah well…

this is what happened at Changi Airport

2005-07-01T19:45:00.000+08:00

ok dudes... i should have written this days ago or rather a week ago as soon as i touched down in Singapore... however, i think i was just too tired to blog... mentally... i have been on the net.. .finding my feet... fear of feeling lost (which i am)... missing my girl badly... and many more...

it is a tiring trip so far... firstly... my parents insistance on bringing my to the various food stalls... for some reason i have not had 'local' food for a long while... insisting that even if there are it is a pale comparison to what we get in Singapore... please... please ladies and gentlemen... no matter how good food in singapore is, it is not THAT good... and no matter how bad food in Perth is (local Singaporean,whichever ethnic group you prefer), isnt that bad... and there are equivalents to the bests... secondly... they assume that i cant cook... as my dad says... 'main campak2' meaning 'throwing in ingredients without a thought'... i think that's what it means... in any case i hope you get the drift...

apart from that i hate the fact that my dad tries to act like a tourist guide... i know i have been away relatively long, 2-3years... however, i havent been away THAT long.. like the whole of Singapore have been torn down and rebuilt again... please dudes... i know more about its history than the average Daryl Tay... Singapore's Wannabe... and my dad too assumes that i am stupid... so there you go... i think the next time he says such things i shall tell him off... cos no one in this family does...

well, the development of the airport did catch me by surprise. i knew that Changi Airport has to keep itself 'up to date' with the times if it were to remain relevant with the times as an International Airport... unlike some airports... ahem... like ... ahem... Perth...

there was this 'open' toilet... it had no doors... no actual obstacle between toilet and the outside world... wow!... perhaps that epitomises Singapore's recent openness policy... hmmm... maybe i should take that back... cos Singapore despite its claims can never reverse that psychology... take for example when they decided to consult the public about bringing F1 into Singapore... Singaporeans said yes... but the government said no... so why consult in the first place BIYATCH!!! i mean... i have said that we singaporeans know next to nothing (for obvious katak bawah tempurung reasons) but if there is one thing that we know very well is our home... Singapore... ok digressing...

and then there was the free internet consoles... i have heard from friends of mine... it wasnt the first time but it was the first time that i saw it...

so when me and fidah eventually decided to get our passports stamped we proceeded to the 'Singaporean Passport' counter... THANK GOD... the guy was friendly... you know not one of those (usually women) who will look at you blankly and answer .. 'hmm'... to every question... the funny thing is that they wouldnt do that to foreigners... well except maybe Indian, Bangladeshi, and Pakistani nationals... for obvious reasons.... (i wonder if that would do that to Shah Rukh Khan or Ms Rai)... hence the double standards... that was a nice welcome...

ok now at the luggage belt... Fidah was carrying her Corsica Apple Strudle thing... which i impolitely refused to carry... WHAT"S THE DEAL WITH THESE APPLE STRUDDDLLEESSSS!!!!! DONT THEY SELL APPLE STRUDDLES IN SINGAPORE?????? HAH HAH!! HAH! HAH!!! C...&^*%*&^%&^%*&^!!!!! in any case... so took off those 30kg plus luggage... (mine was 7-8kg)... and proceeded to the gate... i was praying deep inside... 'o please, dear lord... dont let those people outside be my entourage...'
so as i passed each and every person with those expectant faces, i was sincerely hoping that i recognised none of them.. thank god... none so far... and then i saw my mother... and then at the end of the line... Saddiq my homey... and that's it!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!

ok so far so good... so on with the show....

it was humid and bright outside... i knew i would perspiring soon...

a man my age is insecure...

2005-06-30T00:45:00.000+08:00

just the other day, some BIYATCH said that it is surprising that a man my age is insecure...

that is just laughable...

(it is perhaps just an expression of sour grapeness... will explain later)

hmmm... how would he know? you mean he can experience my conscience like i myself never could... that is indeed interesting. and he would be the first.

secondly, if he is capable of saying that then it shows how confident he is. or rather how threathen i feel. frankly speaking yes i do. after all i am only human. and frankly speaking too, i am insecure. i may have all the money in the world. i may have the best looking face on this planet or body, or biggest penis for that matter... but i would still have insecurities.

in any case with regards to my darling dearest shayang, i do feel the emotions mentioned above because i am only human. however i am not overwhelmed by it.

in the first place, Daryl Tay, i do not like you. you pretentious prick. Hablas Espanol my fucking brown arse!!! dear sir, i have been two Spain... twice. My former neighbour were Argentinians... an exgf who spoke flawless Spanish... so BIYATCH, i noe how it sounds... dont Hablas Espanol with me ... be yourself, perhaps i shall consider talking ...

Secondly, Daryl Tay, RESPECT... i am the boyfriend... i exist... YOU, BIYATCH, are not my friend... so making my gf do things for you when you do not exactly have a history with her shows your lack of ... RECEPTA... YOU think i am just penniless Mat incapable of achieving anything... fucking hell...

in any case, its warm and humid in Singapore, despite the showers...not glad to be back here at all...

exams over and the entourage...

2005-06-22T16:22:00.000+08:00

yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy.........

my exams are over!!!!

hehhe... the one and only.. .but it felt like a big burden have been lifted...

ok... tonite i will pack and then i am off to Singapore at 730am in the morning... Perth time...

i am due to arrive at 12noon at the Singapore Changi Airpoort where my big entourage is waiting... damn!!! my plan did not work... i hate big entourage... it will be so embarrassing... imagine... 15-20 of them just to this one ugly son of a biyatch... shit it will be so embarrassing... which was why i tried to keep it a secret for the longest time... i wonder who leaked it... damn you!!! may you burn in hell for that!!!!

in any case i am glad i will be seeing them all...

so see ya all in Singapore!!!!

2005-06-18T21:10:00.000+08:00

for some reason, i had a number 4...haircut that is...number 4 all over...

well dudes... just preparing for the summer in singapore...

leaving on the 23rd of june... 730am flight. on SQ 224

saturday was my wonderful gig

2005-06-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

Saturday was my wonderful gig at the South Perth Civic Centre, aka South Perth Community Hall. So where the fuck is that? O yeah, its on South Terrace Road. From Canning Highway, you would take the right turn, if you are coming from the city direction. Going to the city direction, you would take the left once you reach the traffic light at the South Terrace Road. Not a moment to soon you will reach South Perth Community Hall, you wouldn’t miss it, becos there’s so many people there. More than usual.

Well not according to some people…

8am.
Went into the hall after unpacking the stuffs. That took an hour because the stupid rover wouldn’t barge. Ok because someone left the rover there with the car keys and so, we had to detour a long way… imagine a 10kg amplifier. 3 guitars, a box of other accessories, a drum kit, and a keyboard, plus its case. We would have been efficient if everyone is experienced in this. Well not everyone is.

9am.
About to soundcheck, Jodi’s mother called.

‘please pick up the rest of the food.’

Ok now he’s gone, so no sound check. In any case, stage wasn’t ready, so how now brown cow? (yeah yeah lame old lame old. So FUCKING SUE ME!!)

So what can I do.

‘Wan, I cant remember song no. 2’

come on guys, its not that difficult a song. Just take some time to listen to it and you’ll be able to figure it out. I mean, I have to figure out my part too right. And I cant possibly figure out yours too. How many things can a person do?

In any case we got down to it.

10 am.
Still no sign of Jodi.

I need coffee and breakfast. Fucking hell no money.

I scoured the bottom floor for food. None available.

Chilly winds. Frozen hands.

10:45am
‘Irawan Gani, where is the place? So much for an update…’

so sorry, had a few things in my mind.

1107am
Jodi arrives. But too late, cant sound check. The event has already started.

I sent out the directions for the place.

1124am
SMS
‘not coming, pulling a king’s park, have fun’.

Well if you are not coming in the first place why bother asking?

Disappointment.

Its alrite… it doesn’t matter.

Frozen hands.

So what are the sequence of songs?

Mario is fast asleep. He finished work at 530am that morning.

Ok so now we have to wait.

12noon.
my tummy’s rumbling. Well what can I do but have a ciggie.

Waiting, waiting…

1pm.
Met Dian.

‘Whats’ wrong with you?’

Nothing. Just haven’t eaten.

She disappears and appears few minutes later with some food.

Have this….

She indeed was my saviour.

2pm
a call received.

What time are you playing?

Are you asking because you are interested in coming or…?

Again gave directions… thought she was coming…

The gamelan is on.

3pm
the gamelan is still on…

fucking gamelan….

Fadhil arrives.

You done?

No…

Where’s she?

I dunno…

Fucking gamelan still playing…

330pm
gamelan ends…

we go up on stage.

Chaos…very unprofessionally, we started playing…

I look towards the doorway to see if she has sneaked in…

430pm
Gig ends. No sign of her.

I go out quietly for a smoke.

As everyone starts to disappear a call came.

Where are you?

In uni…

Are still working on your assignment?

No meeting…

We made plans for dinner…

Rain starts to fall…

530pm.
Jodi has to send her mother home.

So we wait.

630pm
Jodi arrives. So off we went. Winthrop, Murdoch, Vic Park and Dianella to send the various equipments back.

7pm.
SMS
‘are you coming? NANDE!!!???

My mobile runs out of batteries.

715pm
reached home. Drop everything.walking along Albany Highway the rain starts to fall heavily. Wind. I ran to the Vic Park Transfer Station. Wet.

37 arrived at 727pm.

735pm
I reached the city. Still raining. I braved the rain. Almost got knocked down by a car.

Ouch…My toes are hurting!!!

745pm.
Reached Moon Café.

Somebody said I looked nice. Everyone, Jackie, Mun, Tat looked happy. well glad they looked happy. I am fucking pissed!!!!

We decided to have dinner at Fast Eddy’s.

Me, I am starving to death. If I starved any further, I think I wouldn’t merely be fucking pissed.

Patience iwan Patience.

9pm.
Dinner finished.

She starts to smile and laugh, alone.

‘what?’

so she started telling about the card game that they were playing…end of story.

‘so you ditched me for a card game?’

ah I see…

‘you said you had a meeting?’

‘we did have a meeting?’

I am neither stupid nor naïve. Or maybe, yes I am stupid and naïve… I shall give her that…

‘an after thought I suppose…’

‘well, what was I supposed to do over there?’

it’s a bazaar… many things that you can do… plus, you were the one who promised to come…
in any case, it is all clear now…it is all very clear…

THUNDER, LIGHTNING, AND RAIN

Boil, boil, coil and bubble…
There is no end to all the troubles…

But as we walked along Murray St and Wellington, it dawned on me that it doesn’t matter… its all lovely… lovely indeed…

BAIK AH…

i do love singapore

2005-06-03T15:21:00.000+08:00

i think my discontent towards singapore and singaporeans have been well documented and to a certain blown out of proportion. however i have never been too hateful nor too loving towards her.

so let me set the record straight.

i do love singapore.

ok before you cynics and skeptics sound your blabbering mutter get this. it is a country in which i have spilled my blood, sweat and tears. my most joyful and saddest moments happened there. my parents are there. my siblings are there. my relatives are there. love lost, love gained. and for that i do not think the thread that signifies my sense of belonging towards it can never be broken.

so why that tinge of discontent you may ask?

it's this simple.

the tendencies of the people (amongst many other reasons).

i have no argument about the funny and most of the time irritating singaporean accent. frankly i support and applaud it becos amongst the many manufactured things in singapore, it is the most natural social development. i just wish Singaporeans could mind what they say sometimes. and please get it right in the international stage ok?

getting back on track, one of the things that singaporeans love to do when abroad is whine about how bad it is and rave about how good it is at home... well if you do not like staying here then get the hell out of this place. why come here in the first place? but these are the same people who, when at home, rave about how excellent it was abroad. i suspect they just wanted to be known to be well travelled. well dudes, sorry to say, living in posh hotel rooms and shopping at the malls of those cities do not make you a well-travelled person. of cos, this is the general rule and there are exceptions.

i am not saying it is all good here. there are more bad than good but whatever it is make do with whatever you have. if you cant take the challenge then dont!

speaking of which, is this the product of the education system?

i hear a resounding yes.

what can i say, most of the teachers are like that too. and even more sadder is that i used to be one. so i share part of the blame.

and one other thing about the society; there is the lack of graciousness. i believe most people are genuine, unlike, ahem... Australia, and that's precisely the thing. if only we can be more gracious. like if you see someone in trouble, for example, a gust of wind suddenly blows a stack of papers (i remember it naomi), helpless lady (or gentleman for that matter) scouring to pick it up, please help. it doesnt take much. not a minute is wasted. and you feel better soon after. you know these kinds of little things...

well, the whole point of this post is that i am just blowing some steam through some thoughts that have been through my mind for the past few weeks. i have just completed the last of my assignmets and so its time to relax.

PS-o yeah, i love my shayang so much...

the hours before the surprise

2005-06-01T13:12:00.000+08:00

ok this is a backlog that was probably supposed to be posted on the 29th of May

as i was typing away on my G4 Mac Tower that morning, something felt amiss. i wasnt sure what but it certainly did feel so. in anycase as i was clicking away on that 'state of the art' keyboard, i received a call from Sheila, the girl's sister.

sheila: do you know about tonite? is she with you tonite?

me: no. what? no, i think she's with jo.

sheila: o Mun didnt tell you?

me: really.

sheila: we are havin a surprise party for tiffy.

me: o ok.

sheila: so she wont be with you today?

me: i dunno... well maybe i will get her home... so wat time...

sheila: 7pm.

me: ok. i will get back to you when its settled.

i mean i knew something was up but i have no idea when and how and what...

anyway...

so there i was scheming. wat would be a good way to bring home without raising any suspicion. well, well... i do have my amplifier at her place. so i would use that. and in the midst of the 'plan' the name Albert came into mind.

she did ask me later if i my amplifier hadnt been at her place what would i have said.

option 1:
the not too creative notion that i have to talk to one of her guardian... with regards to ... er... mushrooms?

option 2:
borrow something from her place... a book?... a DVD?... and urgently!!! otherwise it could be done some other time...

option 3:
is there an option 3?

so i tried to figure out the amount of time it took for us to get to her place from mine.

me:630?

girl: Jo's going off at 5pm so i can be there at 530...

shitla Jo... why do you have to be so early... now what am i supposed to do between 530 to 730? well, i had a few hours to think about it...

when she arrived at the stipulated time, i hadnt gotten ready... which was great, waste a couple of minutes more. but that is mere minutes compared to the eternal hour that beckons...

so off we went to KFC. she decided on KFC Karrawara.

me: how far is that from your place?

girl: 15minutes

fuckla... time: 615pm... 615!!!

well i made full use of the time. talked to her while she attempted to fill in the blanks in her Chinese Workbook... but the conversations were good, plus we had a bit of a detour...

and then some people just couldnt wait... they had to call and call either one of us... PATIENCE PLEASEEEEE!!!!!!

so, 8:08pm... we arrived to racuous applause... my job is done... though was ostracised for my tardiness... but she had a good nite... that was all that mattered...

happy birthday my shayang...

the little things in life...

2005-06-01T11:26:00.000+08:00

it is the time of the month.

it is the time when a mere two dollars is spent for lunch and dinner.

(you people probably wonder how do i go about doing that.)

well there is this little bakery at the wellington bus station called Top One Bakery. it sells 3 cinammon donuts for a dollar. i must say 3 donuts for a breakfast quite suffices. and so for 2 dollars, well you get the drift... so i am set for the day...

so in this state of mind, it left me wondering about the little things i can enjoy without buying anything or not paying for much...

so here they are (not in order of merit):
1-walking in the morning to the school through the half empty city of Perth

2-staying in bed in a cold wintery morning

3-waking up early to the tune of coffee, eggs and toast.

4-kissing her cold soft lips

5-smelling her moonflower scent

6-her long lanky legs

8-feeling her porcelain skin

9-getting calls from overseas or old mates

10-having a ciggie just after brushing the teeth

11-her beaming (if it was a good day) smile when she sees me

12-dove silk mosturiser

13-seeing her after having a bad day

14-coffee and a book (leisure reading)

15-the adrenaline rush in the middle of a football match

16-the adrenaline rush after a football match

17-jimi hendrix

18-al green's 'let's stay together'

19-my fender telecaster

20-my WahWah pedal

21-liverpool football club (though it has been a source of pain, extreme pain)

22-Haroun and the Sea of Stories

i have not really given it a thorough thought. nevertheless i am sure i think that covers it. plus i am not really giving an excuse for any offensiveness that has come out of this.

not too long ago she was a ripe old twenty year old...

2005-05-31T21:22:00.000+08:00

so how do i feel now that my shayang is 21?

i feel so damn fucking old...

though frankly speaking, without even a whiff of superiority or smarminess, i dont give a damn... my age that is...

hmmm wat happened when i turned 21...

Hard Rock Cafe Singapore, Taufik and me having a few jugs of beer... Jive Talking, the resident band playing in the background, while around me plenty of SQ stewardesses just hangin around... nope, nothing much happened... at 3am, closing time, we were off to have supper at Newton... yup just the two of us... you know, ikan bakar and all, the works... sure me met a couple of people over there and no i wasnt drunk... even though we did a couple of tequilas, if i remember correctly. but it was a pretty sober affair... and then it was 5am... and we had to go....

it was just another weekend...

what did i get for my birthday?

i dont remember anything... i did treat myself to a Fender US Strat...

and that's about it...

well, some well wishes from my parents... that's about it...

10 and a half years ago, i was 21.

anyway, happy birthday my dear... may your wishes come true and that you lead a truly gratifying life...

ok naomi, since you've asked...

2005-05-25T15:22:00.000+08:00

ok naomi, since you have asked, i shall oblige...

(in any case, i think its the kind of thing that i would do, now and then)

currently listening...
heaven by los lonely boys... have to learn that one for a future gig... currently transcribing the guitar score....

since i've been lovin you - led zep
a bluesy rock thing in the early 1970s... plant's wailing, page's sloppy chops, jones' booming bass and bonham's heavy drums.... you can actually hear the blood dripping in this one...
good to listen after a tiring day at work... preferably in the afternoons... o man, with coffee and chocolates and ciggies....

little wing - jimi hendrix
but please, never ever listen to the Coor's version, a good rendition would be by Stevie Ray Vaughn, an interesting one would be by Sting (in Nothing like the Sun) and a inspiring version would be by Zakk Wyylde...

i was 15 in 1988 when i heard this piece from this crazy friend of mine, Tony Especkerman, in his shabby room full of porn and cassette tapes... it moved my interest from bass guitar to lead guitar... that was when i first heard of the Fender Stratocaster...

if not because of the guitar, i wouldnt have failed my O levels....

not one to dance in your undies to but its a good one to stay in bed, naked and horny...

phantom of the opera - iron maiden
every time i got angry, this was the song that i turned to... though i wouldnt recommend the DiAnno original version BUT the Live After Death album version with Dickinson on vocals and McBrain on drums... a good way to release steam...

plus, Adrian Smith was the first guitarist i emulated...

spain - chick corea
the intro to Spain was magnificient... a prelude to king all preludes... Corea's own rendition of Angela before storming into the staccato, off beat, super fast riffs and melodies ...

saw this rendition performed life in Singapore by the Chick Corea trio, with John Patitucci on double bass and Vinnie Coliouta (did i spell it right?) on drums...

for those who do not know who chick corea is, he is the dude who played with Dave Grohl in either the Grammies or MTV music awards...

i listen to it only on special occasions... birthdays, public holidays... its a 'what is the meaning of life', piece of music....

well not really

as for the fifth one....there's so many of them...

how do they inspire me? musically, intellectually, spiritually... and the list goes one...

i have contemplated on pearl jam's Release, and Given to Fly... for obvious reasons...

soundgarden's Spoonman and Outshined...

Living Color's Funny Vibe

Miles Davis' So What

Louis Armstrong's Do you know what it means to Miss New Orleans

Stevie Wonder's Sir Duke

Tower of Power's What is Hip?

Average White Band's Pick up the Pieces...

well take your pick folks...

till then...

ok on another note...

see what did i tell you... Liverpool Won!!!! muaahahahahaa....

acronyms, exhaustion, and football...

2005-05-25T12:28:00.000+08:00

tired eyes... tired legs... numb hands...

that is what i have to content with for the past few weeks... maybe i am not just cut out for the current rigours of life... or to simply put it... i am to old for this shit...

well i need to build my fitness level again after long lapses in that area. perhaps in a week or two is a good time.

as many of you might have read from the gals blog about the Saturday debacle... well it is safe to say it is all clear now... for the time being...

i have just handed in the editing assignment this morning and despite its relative ease, i felt like a burden has been lifted... aka it didnt feel that easy... have no idea why... maybem just maybe i dont enjoy doing this assignment...

its an article... and a reflective essay... a 'reflective' what??!! you might ask...

precisely... that was the problem....

it has always been a problem, to talk about the essay that you have a return... what are you goin to say? that the piece that you have just written is 'fabulously constructed, ingenuity at its height, the writer's the mozart of writers'.... i mean you cant possibly say that... but neither can you say... 'this is a whole load of bullshit. the writer has absolutely no talent at all. and everything from the beginning to the end is utter crap that deserves it place together with toxic waste.'

so you see the problem?

ok maybe you dont... but at least you get the drift...

moving on...

someone said the other day that i have HSD - nah, not a family of HP or ISD .... but High Sexual Drive... she says its written in my face... ya... ma ass!!! well that is all i shall say for fear that anything that i say may incriminate me in a court of law... but i will oblige to personal interviews...

i any case, the point is, what an acronym!!! people have acronyms for everything... but why? it doesnt make them appear smarter or anything... in fact it reduces them to mere lazy koalas... you know, sleep 15 hours a day kind of thing and eat while awake... hmmm... come to think of it... not a bad life at all...ooo... if only i were a king...

for now i will only settle for the Raja of my own destiny...

ok you smuggy people... i dont care watever you say... but please put it well... have some dignity for god sakes!!!!

....

o yeah one more thing...

GO LIVERPOOL!!!!!

tonite is DA NITE!!!!

training ground 2

2005-05-17T18:23:00.000+08:00

with all the bad advice that you get... it is no wonder that the relationship doesnt last long...

training ground

2005-05-17T18:00:00.000+08:00

firstly let me summarise the weekend...

saturday's game:

against SERIBU 3-3

quite a good game actually, came back from behind 3 times... fighting spirit... well done...

after the game helped fadhil out with his thesis... ate at Taka's and then coffeed at Fast Eddy's ...

6pm dinner at Ciao Italia...

fabulicious!!!! i had sea food spaghetti... that is officially one of the best spaghetti sauce EVER!!!! o shit my stomach is churning right now... maybe its the cinnamon donuts...

after dinner, we had cupcakes at Angeline's place at Vic Park... then off for home...

Sunday...

game against Venice

9-1...

friggin bitch of a hell of gay ass cunt... (^&*%*^&%*^*.....

rain, wet, thunderstorm... dangerous...

well sorry guys, i guess u get the drift...

alrite

couldnt go for band practice cos the game was at 1...

couldnt do anything, half way thru the second half... my legs gave way...

anyway, waited for an hour for Jefri after the game... he went to the wrong place...

i couldnt call out, limped towards the student housing at curtin, searched for the public phone, found one, was used by this chick, calling overseas.... limped back to the field...

luckily someone offered his mobile... i am forever grateful...

Jefri came... off to my place... hungry...

wanted to finish up the moving quick, but due to rain, got noticed...

Azly's mother came up to me...

'Are you pissed at me?'

what can i say? well i am not dear maam... but staying here will strain my relationship with my girlfriend... so how am i supposed to put it to her? i have no idea... i just had to go...

for a good 5 minutes i stared at her... not knowing what to say... rain starts to pour... thunder, lightning..

gotta go...

so i moved my important stuffs... computer and most of my clothes... and of course pillows and quilts .... left my guitars behind... not priority for now...

moved the stuffs...

settled the stuffs... then off for dinner... yes almost forgot dinner...

had kebab... met an old friend who wasnt supposed to be in Perth...

then back to New Home...

ting ting!!!

2nd Round with Fadhil's thesis...

1hrs passed, 2 hrs passed...

gf arrives...

1 hr later...

gf gets cranky...wants to go home.. goes home....

Fadhil feels awkward...

'why did she go home?'

'i dunno..'

editing of the thesis completed.... Fadhil goes....

gf called....

blah blah blah....

'ok try to go to sleep for five minutes, and if not... come here...'

35 minutes later she arrives....

time; 3:58...

my legs are still weary...

so it is set...

2005-05-11T12:51:00.000+08:00

happiness has never been so sweet... this weekend i get a new place... and when i get home (to singapore that is) i have a place to stay... my brother's...

woo hooo...

happiness, simply happiness...

on a random note...

her haircut wasnt that bad...

i wouldnt even think of laughin at her... not at a woman's hair...

A WIN AT LAST!!!!!

2005-05-09T15:29:00.000+08:00

a win at last...

on sunday, against a team called venice we won 3-2!!! ok not a flattering scoreline, however, if u are in team that has lost 4-0 and 7-1 respectively, we will do with a scrappy win. right???

in the first game, team captain Irwan (who is in Melbourne Honeymooning and wont be back till the 9th of June) provided a greatly flawed 5-3-2 formation... i mean unless we play a soak and strike game (counter attacking) then i dont think that strategy will work at all. i for one, have little understanding of that formation. i mean i can organise the defence, however the midfield needs to work too... indeed a 4-4-2 formation, i understand that system more. in that very game, i changed the system halfway, which worked for a while, but by the time, we were run ragged by the opposing team... Xmen... (funny name)...

the second one, quite expected. we had only 9 outfield players! naturally. but we discovered the sweet left foot of this one particular Jap bloke named Takashi... muuaaahhhahahhaaa.....

hence i had the inspiration for the following game...

ok 4 games to go...

Saturday 9am kickoff
Sunday 11am....

PS-my legs a bit wobbly. not sure whether its due to the sex or football... maybe a bit of both....

we lost!!!!

2005-05-07T19:25:00.000+08:00

fuck man... we lost again...

ok for those not familiar with my footballing escapades, let me run by the sypnosis...

Sharkies is the name of my football team (yeah yeah... tacky name.. but didnt come up with them) .. made up of mostly my Indo brothers... and right now we are in a tournament... league format... top 2 team gets to go into the following round, the quarter finals, just like the champions league... (yeah like real...)

ok to cut a long story short... we damn fucking lost!!! ^%$#&$#^%$&*%!!!!!

7-1

well, we can be proud though. we played with 9 men. and no subs...

tomorrow... another 9am game...

we shall see...

when something is wrong with me then... its my fault...

2005-05-05T13:51:00.000+08:00

why do i feel inadequate nowadays? i have been searching, not so far and not so wide, and found that it all boils down to one thing...

S-E-X

unashamedly i shall admit that sex is it. it is the thing that ticks and unticks my system nowadays.

why?

i think i have reiterated enough that a woman can make you feel like a dud or a stud. in other words it can be weak man or a superman.

when i was younger(not that i am OLD, mind you), that void could easily be filled with one-offs. but that is not the case now or rather for the past few years... after the end of my long standing relationship at the beginning of the millenium i had an epiphany of some sort. that it is better for me to focus on just one thing.

hmmm wat a brilliant idea!! why didnt i think of it earlier!!!

yes i wonder why too...

lately, i havent had fantasies with other women... is that alrite? or am i sick... perhaps i am... so this abodes well in the faithfulness section but doesnt in the being faithful section... you see, being strictly faithful would not only mean physically but also mentally. henceforth what that means is that the woman in your life will only occupy much of your negligible thinking time aka in the bus stop as you wait for the bus, in the bus journey if no one's with you for company, the time before you fall asleep, the time before you actually wake up, the time you have breakfast, lunch and dinner alone and so on so forth...

play of the day
Zaqy asks Iman after marriage solemnisation ceremony...

how is it Man?...

how does it feel to be a Bapak...isnt it nice to be a father?"

Chuckyyyyyyyy......didnt he just get married????? how would he know!!!

kebod-kebod...

maybe he had 'who's your daddy' in his mind...

Capitalism for Dummies

2005-04-27T14:31:00.000+08:00

Capitalism for Dummies

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.

Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.

Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

things do change within the blink of an eye

2005-04-27T13:03:00.000+08:00

baggages, baggages, baggages... that is wat my shayang has been telling me.. since day 1... i knew dat.. in any case who doesnt have any baggages.. i have... and it is a really really really big one. so why should i be fazed by all that... and it is these baggages that has aided me in losing my friends... well wat can i do... wen u lose friends, make new ones... that is all there is to it...

things do change with the blink of an eye... one minute you are happy, another you are sad and vice versa... its all ups and downs folks...

for now i am looking forward to the upward slope...

and Jacky.. dont u dare philosophise on my blog!!! BIAATTCCHHH!!!!!

when something is wrong with my baby ... something is wrong with me....

2005-04-20T14:20:00.000+08:00

it is strange that you can live a life of solace like forever but once you are together with someone else the other person affects you as if the other is yourself? i have often thought that you could not feel another person's conscience. however, i think this is perhaps the closest you could feel... but is it just me or is it the general feel of things... i mean there are always exceptions but am i the exception or the norm?

my sayang is ill and i am ill too... the doctor hasnt had a clue as to what is wrong with her... while i can only hope for the best...

woohooo....

2005-04-14T13:08:00.000+08:00

ok... two woohoos!!!! one for liverpool for giving me a great start to this day to an otherwise bad week (so far,it will get worst by 0800 tonite or tomorrow) and the second one is for my nice little great eye-opening conversation with my sayang last night...

she's either unbelievably understanding or couldnt incredibly care less... i think its the former...:-)

it was match of intriguing movements and passes and tough tackling defenders (i think everyone was in the act) i am a liverpool fan but i admit Gianluigi Buffon is one hell of a hunk (no peeps i am not gay, just appreaciate beauty as it is) and other cute Italians... (Zlatan Ibrahimovic is one ugly mother) ....but sorry dudes, (directing at ManU fans) u arent good enough... hahahaha... muaaahahahahaaa...

i've been thinking lately...

how does one knows the other wants to have sex?

a japanese friend of mine, shingo(-go-go-go) ito is his name, reckons you can do it just by saying... 'sooo...let's go' ...and no i have not tried that (on second thought) ... well that would be subtly blantant... the blantanly blatant would be the obvious 'do you want to have sex or fuck or the likes... or the american pie line... suck me beautiful...

but what about subtle (gestures) ones?

i have thought about it (it was just a passing thought... YA RITE!)

the list goes as follows...

1-a wink

2-a movement of the forefinger when shaking hands

3-a wink and a movement/scratch of the forefinger when shaking hands

4-a movement/scratch of the forefinger when placed on the side of the body

5-moving the head like its a bit spastic....

6-sucking one's own finger

7-sucking somebody else's finger

ok dats all for now... when i think of more, i shall report back to you guys...

for the time being i shall dwell into this temporary esthetic which is not my own doing before falling into the gorge of broody moody sad existence of unhappiness which i can only own up to...

luv u luv u luv u....

trouble looming ....

2005-04-13T15:03:00.000+08:00

while Rafael Benitez prepares a Gerrardless team in Turin, Italy, trouble looms on the horizon for the supporters. for those unacqainted with football history, in 1985, in Heysel Stadium Belgium, in a European Cup Final between Phil Neal led Liverpool and Platini led Juventus, trouble broke out between the supporters. this left 39 dead. most of them were Italians. so vengeance is around.

while trouble looms for Liverpool, it seems it arrives (on my part) when you least expect it... i am not sure what is going to happen but i think things will never be the same again...

... is it malice or good-intentions?... i would like to think it is the latter.... but people talk, and people talk bad....

please, mother mercy take me away from this place...

its getting colder over here

2005-04-12T12:00:00.000+08:00

for my fans up there in the north, let it be known that while you guys are experiencing a change to a warmer climate, we down here are experiencing the opposite...

ok iwan, the readers knows that... duh!

for better or worse, people change... or have they? people like to say such things becos most probably they have nothing to say... well, if you have nothing to say, then end the conversation... and if you have nothing good to say to your acquaintance dont say anything... dissing your close friends is a form of affection, but dissing someone you dont know... that is malice...

on a lighter and happier note... its great to see my sayang again... i know, i know, its just been like 3 days? no i am not bordering on the dramatic... just miss her a lot... that is all... everything there is to her... yes even the fuck ups... luv her to bits...

well the rest of the gang aka, azly, nana, will and tipah have gone down south... its a good break for them, especialy for nana, luv her... just hope stuffs go down well for her this year...

dillah!!! singapore's bridget jones, what's happening to you... miss you so much!!!

something constructive

2005-04-05T20:14:00.001+08:00

she will be gone for conference and negotiations over in the east...

now, what shall i do with the bitter empty weekend up ahead. there are only a few options and roads that i could take. rot at home. rot and write at home. rot as you watch dozens of reruns... DVDs... rot and smoke my life away. or maybe do something more constructive. as it is, in less than two weeks i have an assignment due.. some editing shit... so why not do the research? ya. idiot. or start work on the great singapore novel. or rather finish it off you moronic procastinator...whatever it is, irawan. please do something constructive.

if only the world is as lovely as thee...

assginments due tomorrow...

2005-04-05T20:14:00.000+08:00

i have two assignments due tomorrow. actually it is one. a script for a short film and a review of 1 - 6 min short film or something tomorrow. one is completed (the script) the other yet to start. why? cos i am reviewing an ad. i havent got a copy of that piece so i have to wait for it to magically appear on tv later... and on due course i get to watch OC and other sorts of shit on tv...

speaking of the tele, SBS is showing a delayed telecast of the Liverpool vs Juve match... yeay... frankly speaking... liverpool dont stand a chance... that depends actually... cos u see i am quite convinced about Rafa Benitez's pedigree but still not sure about the injury ravaged squad. while Juve, led by Capello certainly has better players and one of the best keepers in the world if not the best.. Gianluigi Buffon... and Liverpool do not have one with that stature... ok... sorry people... just excited about the encounter...

but the good thing about these two things coming together at the same time is that i get to wake up early, watch the game, get some last minute editing on my assignments and all's well ends well... well at least the few things in life that is slowly coming together...

let me pose a question, is it alrite to be nice all the time? to be available at anyone's beck and call? i tend to think that that is a good characteristic to possess cos nobody likes a moody broody person sometimes... who swings fr 1 mood to another... at their whims and fancies... (hmmmm which reminds me of that someone...) ... well i am not saying that i am mr sunshine... ha! far from it... but i try as far as i am concerned not to pull people down to... unless of cos, i have no choice but to be moody... but things dont normally pull me down, maybe of cos things like death... and i dont expect anyone to be mr or miss sunshine cos i dont even expect myself to be so... but let it be known, pls dont be pissed off with the world that didnt do any wrong...

appropriation...

but some people just are unable to do that...

the meeting on Sunday

2005-03-30T13:27:00.000+08:00

let's not talk about how we got a little lost on our way there. it is a no discussion really and absofuckinglutely no fault of hers. blame the navigators. o man but had it been a battle situation, we'd sure be in a lot of shit. but i didnt mind really, maybe it was blanketed by the nerve and excitement i was feeling.

the Olsen's Cottage was really cosy. it was exactly how i had imagined it to be due to my prior experience being in one. lots of chickens. a sheep. lime trees. lemon trees. orange trees. mandarin orange trees. the compulsory little workshed. and a bunch of hospitable people.

meeting everyone ( not for the first time) was an experience. there was Mom and Pop. Elaine, Sheila, K(C?)arl, Ken(t?), and Dennis and of course Scott, Ashley and two other kids that i dont remember their names.

i was quiet. relatively. the whole time. which is actually usual. but little did i know that Mom was quering.

i was just squaring and sizing them all up. its better that way cause, if it doesnt go well (not too badly, i hope) the first time, things can always improve. i wasnt my normal chatty self. just listening. these people after all are my seniors and perhaps not wanting to look too smart alecky, which can be bad... and spell doom...

so under the influence of red wine and beer and lamb and salads... we got on the day... indeed there were few awkward movements... they did ask me a few questions... but as soon as i answered them, they'd start talking about themselves... and i wonder why they wonder i am quiet... there is a threading fine line between being bold and rude... so just being careful not to step on anyone's toes... from where i come from i dont begin when someone else hasnt ended... but that is just me, i guess... to each their own...

the ended well. we got off when it was getting dark...

as we walked away, from a distant, Ken(t) shouted: 'dont do anything i wouldnt do, but if you do it... do it well.'

later that night we were supposed to go for a movie but dear Jacky Teo decided otherwise... time for a gathering of the ISC committee for an informal gathering...

i am an outsider, always have been...

but i absolutely love her dearly...

going home...

2005-03-22T14:36:00.000+08:00

it is confirmed...

i shall go back home for my brother's wedding in June and i have absolutely no excuse this time... my papa has just telegraphed money into my bank account... i dont know whether that's good or bad... yes of coz that's good you stupid idiotic man... but as far as feelings are concerned i am a bit confused... why you may ask? part of me says that its good that i am going home for my brother's wedding, yes the one who is married to the psycho bitch... and good that i get to see all my friends... eventhough at this moment they are all a pain in the ass.. saying how good it is to be married... ok you not so very ambitious little pricks, whaddaya know??? ok sorry for that burst of anger... well they have their lives now... and i have mine...

perhaps its time for me to play catch up with all the people i miss... my mama for example, my little brothers and sisters... the adorable one.. mega... who is now by no means little... she is pretty tall.... really ... i have not seen her in a while now...

plus there are some stuffs that i need to settle in singapore... baggage... excess baggage... well i will just hang out for a while in that tiny suffocating island... as Nana mentioned last night...

my shayang has been having a 'hard time' for the past few days... aka assignments... which is due today... a 2500 word essay... who gives an assignment at this time of the semester? o i gotta pity her... she is trying her best juggling between responsibilities... she is a superwoman.. dunno how she does it... but kudos to that...

was kinda waiting for her to call last nite when i fell asleep while listening to Tower of Power... and then she called about 2 am... i think it rang for like an eternity before i picked it up... didnt realise she had already sent a sms... she had to repeat the sms in verbal...

gotta a saturday gig at king's park... acoustic set with Sasha....

set list

Dream a little dream of me
baby can i hold you tonite
more than words
angel of mine
breathe in now
strong enough
this love

this of cos is not in any the order that we shall proceed... that shall be solved on thurday... our final practice session at 1....

albums.. part 1

2005-03-07T15:32:00.000+08:00

this is a very biased opinion... and it is by no means perfect... and no apologies that there not many albums after 2000..

Axis: Bold as Love - Jimi Hendrix (if anyone is interested in this one, should get the latest that had been released by the Hendrix Estate... definitely superior sound instead of the drab ones that a lot rip offs releases)

Led Zeppelin 2 and No Quarter - Led Zeppelin
even though they released the breakthrough album as MTV generation would say, it wasnt until the second release that confirms their talents as songwriters and studio musicians... before this album was made... an album sound would mean, drum track on the left and guitars on the centre and vocals and bass on the right.. how awful is that? it would probably be alrght on a monogram but not on stereo... this is perhaps on the same level as George Lucas' revolutionary take on Cinema viewing and listening...

in 1990 they reunited ( of cos without Bonham and Jones) and released No Quarter. a collaboration with the Egyptian Philharmonic and its Traditional Subset... resulting and a very groovy sound...

Achtung Baby and Zooropa - U2
after Joshua Tree and Rattle n Hum they were the biggest band in the world by far. so how to follow up that successs... The Edge created a new guitar sound that doesnt sound like a guitar... that experiement was limited in Achtung Baby... though it wins by far because of its songwriting... favourite track: Mysterious Ways.

Zooropa is still spinning in my head after all these years... it proves that using electronic gadgets doesnt mean a consistent boring beat and a lot of headache... it has a futuristic sound that most bands try to emulate but ultimately failed nowadays... fav track - babyface...

OK Computer and The Bends - RadioHead...

Tom Yoke is so depressing .... need i say more... anthems for losers... gives me comfort with the notion that losers are cool....

The New Standards - Herbie Hancock.
instead of digging into the old Fake Book Herbie Hancock dug into The Old and New Pop Book... indeed, these are the new standard music of our time... excellent interpretations...

Bing Bing Bing - Charlie Hunter Trio
Funk, Soul, Jazz Swing Beats and a bit of Bee Bop... he is DA MAN...

The Number of the Beast - Iron Maiden. Somwhere in the early 80s and perhaps late 90s... was the New British Metal Wave... they spearheaded the Wave with a Tsunami. even though had previously released two albums, it wasnt until the arrival of Bruce Dickinson that they were on full throttle... fav track 22 Acacia Avenue

Live at Last - Black Sabbath. when Ozzie was at his best. recorded in 1981. they were the heaviest of the heaviest of bands... no pro tools here. raw energy and power and dissent. nothing manufactured here. its depressing to see how he appears to be nowadays.

TOTO IV - Toto. does anybody remember them? they won a series of Grammys in 1982 including best record and album. this is a gem for musicians... a time when musicianship was valued above style. fav track... Rosanna.

Seven - Prince. this was the year before he got tired of Warner Bros and started to sue them. and the album in which he first used the name... the artist formerly known as prince. a second collaboration with the New Power Generation... excellent songwriting here and of cos... he has style... though a bit out there but ... he can do whatever he wants... he is a genius.. fav track - morning paper...

Automatic for the People - REM. the follow up album after Losing my Religion. Stipe is one of the worst singers in the world. and REM is one of the worst bands in the world. but the writing and song writing are top notch. so sue me for loving them!!! fav track- evrybody hurts.

i will stop here... becos this is taking its toll....

here is the list of the future....

Passion and Warfare - Steve Vai

Surfing with the Alien - Joe Satriani

So What and Bitches Brew - Miles Davis

off the wall - micheal jackson

Listener Supported - Dave Matthews Band

Ten Summoner's Tale - Sting

Syncronicity - the Police

Live in Dublin - Van Morrison

the miseducation of Lauryn Hill - Lauryn Hill

Janet - Janet Jackson

the very best of Frank - Frank Sinatra

it's a kind of magic - Queen

Live Baby Live - INXS

Hysteria - Def Leppard

Battle of Los Angeles - Rage Against the Machine

Temple of the Dog - Temple of the Dog

Yield - Pearl Jam

Running in the Family - Level 42

The sounds of silence - the beastie boys

Rust in Peace - Megadeth

mirrorball - Sarah Mclahlan

Live in San Francisco - Tower of Power

Live in Monterrey - Carlos Santana

Trial by Live - Journey

we are in love - harry connick jr

Marching out - Yngwie J Malmsteen

the Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd

and the world comes crashing down...

2005-03-07T14:54:00.000+08:00

i just got off the phone with a long time good friend of mine who was complaining to me about his girlfriend... he asked, 'despite having everything, when something is wrong in your relationship, the whole world seems to crash down on you...'

i smiled and replied, ' why should you ask me?'

after which he answered, ' because you are the relationship expert.'

i laughed out loud. whoever gave me that honour is an idiot who deserves to be shot.

doesnt mean you have had a few in the bag, doesnt qualify you as an expert. believe me. even if you have had practise, and lots of them you might have, you would be at lost all the time. you suddenly become a teenager who has never been kissed. in other words it doesnt get any easier.

the first part of the relationship is always the most wonderful. it is called the honeymoon period.

the second part is almost always the most difficult. this is the part where couples break up.

the third, even though as difficult as the first is the part when you have all the cards laid out. you know everything about your other half. but the problem is, you'd go.... '.. and now what?' time of trial and error. this is perhaps the longest.

but with any luck you'd get to the final part (although by no means the end) everything falls into place. it is by no means no plain sailing, but it is relatively the most wonderful. the first part is wonderful because of its innocence but this final part is great because of its maturity. there are no sparks and fireworks but the fire of love keeps you warm and contented. just imagine a cold, cold night and all you want to do is sit by the fire (even though it is more practical to say heater but it isnt as romantic) and feel warm.

in any case, to answer that question that dear friend had posed to me, is that, because she means the world to you. and if she is the world to you then when something is wrong there, your world, my dear friend, comes tumbling down.

movies and albums

2005-03-06T03:03:00.000+08:00

since i am in a reflective mood, here is a list of movies that i have watched over the years that i would watch over and over again... the list of movies arent exactly impressive but i am not here to impress anybody...

the blues brothers
monsoon wedding
reality bites
singles
dead poets society
butch and the sundance kid (remember that bicycle-romantic scene, soundtrack- BJ Thomas' raindrops keep fallin on my head?)
the sting
50 first dates
1201
groundhog day
space odyssey 2001
clockwork orange
the message
evil dead
lion of the desert
the shining - stanley kubrick version
ET
Indiana Jones Trilogy
Star Wars Trilogy (or soon to be a sextet)
The Matrix (only the first one, the rest are crap... utterly crap)
good morning vietnam
When Harry Met Sally
Sleepless in Seattle
You've Got Mail
Malcolm X
Close encounters of the Third Kind
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
East Meets West
Pappilon (i think that was the title... starring Steve McQueen and featuring Dustin Hoffman as the thick glasses prisoner)
Towering Inferno
Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (for sentimental reasons)
Taxi (the Luc Beeson original)
Yamakasi
Warm water under the bridge
Much Ado About Nothing (Kenneth Branagh version)
Shawshank Redemption
Unforgiven
all of Clint Eastwood's Spagetti Westerns...

i think the list would go on... but that's all came to my mind... for now...

stay tuned...

tomorrow, albums.

things that you shouldnt do...

2005-03-06T02:53:00.000+08:00

there are a few things that you shouldnt do with your loved ones...

1-talk down to them
2-lie
3-give the silent treatment
4-keep things to yourself

if that ever happened, upon reflection you will feel regret...

moving on...

i talked to a good friend of mine. if i remember correctly, the last time i talked to him was 2 and a half years ago. how did it feel? surreal. even though it has been a long lapse, it does feel like you just spoke to them not too long time ago. like you just talked to that person yesterday... really yesterday, yes even as you update to your friend of what has been going on for the years of absence... well probably 2 years isnt quite long time ago...

you reckon?

my two cents worth...

2005-03-05T13:00:00.000+08:00

my two cents worth of advice to anyone who is reading this stupid blog...

say what you mean... and all will be better...

a reflection on a past relationship...

2005-03-03T13:16:00.000+08:00

her name was lauren lee...

little cute lady... good taste, no, exquisite taste, extremely bad temper, prone to bouts of unreasonablity (is there such a word?) ...

come to think of it... she never had one nice thing to say about me... its always, she wants this, she wants that,

she will say, ' it is not that i am petty but...' after which, she will bring 'a matter of some significance' up in the discussion...

but she has a good heart...

she does...

i was the arsehole...

the course coordinator...

2005-03-03T13:05:00.000+08:00

its tough looking for the course coordinator... she always as ever elusive... the only time you see her is when you do not need her... well that is always the case...

i am waiting for my bro's email... cos he says he will send photos of his 'adventures' in Acheh... hmmm i wonder wat he did there... i am sure apart from doing the obvious.. which is to help the needy.... he must have a ball of time over there...

this computer lab is not a cool place... but its the only lab in which i could use the mac... (not anti pc at all... just used to mac...)but ECU's system designer are NOT mac user at all ... probably some estate fellow...

apart from its sullen appearance, there are chicks galore... all types, you name it, they've got it... there's one hot one sitting right next to me... maybe i will chat up with her... after i am done...

a red haired just came in... kissed her boyfriend, i think... hmmm let me be a bit kaypoh and see whether they are together....

wait a minute...

doesnt look like it...

maybe i stand a chance ... yea rite!!!

ok gotta go... the search for the elusive course coordinator begins again...

feels like the amazing race...

for reasons unknown...

2005-03-01T14:46:00.000+08:00

i have been acting strange lately...

for a while, i didnt know what it was... yes i am that stupid sometimes... the overwhelming, influxing memories that you thought you have gotten rid off... came back... all at once... how am i supposed to deal with it? if anyone knows, please tell me...

unfortunately, my strangeness affected the girl in more ways than once... she said i hadnt laughed for days. which is most definitely true... i have become sullen, and she reckons its the male ego... which she cant stand...

i agree...

and i hate it when it surfaces...

well its either that or a barbaric act of violence... for example a yawp (at least), trashing something (eg. a car using a public trash can) ... mike says i am refined... so u reckon i am still refined?

i know i would probably get a smack at the back of the head from my eloquent father...

anyway,

suddenly, i am demanding... (with regards to her) ... i asked her, why dont you tell James yourself? well it was to late, its already out there... but i soon realised i was being unreasonable... yes i know its hard...

but i am not feeling that way anymore... found out why i have had that naggy feeling... HAHAHAHA.... BITCH!!!! ok laughing again...

but what have i become?

moving on...

was in school by 11pm... ran around looking for a lecturer, and realised it had been a futile exercise. so i stopped running and stayed at one place - the Coordinator's Office... well didnt see anyone except for the secretary. that was good enuff...

she will be back at 230pm...

i said ok... but after a few steps... i realised i couldnt because class begins at 2pm you moron!!! ah anyway, off i gingerly went to enjoy my lunch... 2 cheese omelete with bread while bitchin with this Fijian who claims he is Singaporean whose pretending to do his Arts Management Degree... hehehe... sorry Anuar...

and then it was 2pm... so off i went... for class ... well firstly i couldnt find the class... cos.. the number jumped... and when i found it no one was around!!!! bloody hell!!! so i did the next wisest thing... go to SIMO and checked the timetable again....

and what do you know... they have changed it... hmmm ...

baik ah...

but it's all good... now i can see my course coordinator... yay...

sort things out....

ok should i do... Shakespeare or Australian contemporary lit and society? found out i cant cos there is a clash... so i have half decided to do... Shakespeare...

still deciding... it is not too late to change...

2 hrs to go... before lecture... now what shall i do...

luv u so much...

2005-02-23T15:41:00.000+08:00

she didnt think i was cute...

like i care...well, its all in the past...

cherio!!!!

getting in touch with a long lost (not exactly) someone...

2005-02-22T14:42:00.000+08:00

i have been meaning to get in touch with someone since last June. for some reason, weeks prior to that someone's birthday, i had that dire need to speak to that person. however (for another some reason) i couldnt blantantly send an email or downright give that someone a call. why? i do not know. do you know? what and how it feels to try and get in touch with someone whom you have done wrong to? the feeling of embarrassment or is it shamefulness (sort of), regret ( definitely) and perhaps fear (most rightfully) engulfs me everytime i stare at the computer screen with that someone's email address filling in those blanks and you have finished typing the letters which includes 'i am sorry, please forgive me' in it... or staring at your mobile or Lan phone or the public phone after you have keyed in the PIN number of your calling card and all you have to do is to dial that person's number... or completed typing a text message and pausing as you were about to press the SEND dial...

have you? have you? have you?

and then you resort to looking for that person on the internet... which is of course a futile exercise... but surprisingly, you found that person, and not only that! you found a JPEG image of that someone gracing the virtual screen ... and suddenly your heart throbs, short of breath, and suggestions of passing out lingers in the outskirts of your body...

take a piece of marlboro lights, light it, and stare into empty space...

staring into empty space; the girl is good at it...

she reckons she is good at it... being detached... maybe not...

being detached is good...

either that or leave the country for a couple of years...

it isnt easy being detached because the addresses of one's minds brings the emotions and memories that one wants to forget...

gradually and slowly that might happen... but the key words are, gradually and slowly...

i can still remember the most painful memories, i can still remember the face and i can summon the flood of tears at will...

solution; be detached.. be detached...

or be good, be nice... love like it is the last day of your life...

cos when it's gone, it's gone...

dont worry dear, when your gang is here you wont be as 'attached' if that is what you are afraid of...

but search for the elusive spock continues...

the emptiness ...

2005-02-19T23:54:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt the emotion of emptiness despite the being at close proximity with someone you love? be it through blood ties or through a romantic relationship or friendship... have you ever?

i think this is an emotion worst than the feeling of loneliness... some people say they'd rather be alone... i think to a certain extent, that is very true indeed...

touch without feeling
sleep without dreaming
running to stand still...

i am not sure that is the correct quote but it is something like that...

maybe it's karma...

no, i know it's karma...

it IS karma!

it is a situation that is beyond my control... this mouth is spent, the energy have been sucked dry... what else can i do...

nothing, absolutely nothing...

visual

2005-02-15T11:58:00.000+08:00

my girl and i express ourselves quite differently...

my girl reckons she is a visual kind of person. she attracted to visuals more than sight or sound... for example if she likes a music video to a piece of music, she would like the music...

as for me, even though i was brought up from a generation when MTV was at its heydays ( i say heyday because it has now become an amalgam of postmodernist chaos where everything is relative and most artists have no absolute allegiance or principles) i was never seduced by the darkside... maybe it was my classical training, maybe it was my uncle's vinyl and cassette collection blaring on Sunday afternoons, or maybe the fact that we didnt have the tele for 5 years... probably it is a combination of them all... i should think so...

different arent we?

but somehow we found a common ground... compromise...

acclimatise....

and now its the searh for the elusive spot...

valentine's day

2005-02-14T10:34:00.000+08:00

i reckon i have told everyone within a metre of my vicinity that i dont believe in Valentine's day...

doesa nyone know that Valentine's day was a creation of an American card company in the 1920's? indeed there was a figure known as St Valentine, however, it was celebrated very much differently from what it is today...

the notion of romantic love in Western societies didnt appear until Hollywood started churning out it's endless movies through its movie making treadmill... hence, the idea of a romantic love didnt appear until Tinsletown... er... romanticised it.

true enough the Bard himself, churned timeless romance tales in his plays and sonnets... however, let it be known to all that he was still pretty much frowned upon during his 'heyday'... and wasnt as succcessful as we all like to think ...

lustful, filthy, erotic, errogenous sex wasnt invented by the West, i doubt they had experienced such a thing at that point of time in history... well especially when the Church reigned supreme in the whole of Europe... and to a certain extent early America... but not to ignore the fact that Muslim countries are exactly that nowadys....

do you know that they have 'special' garments for sex? and the attitude towards sex was one of disgust? in other words you are not supposed to enjoy it... because the Lord never enjoyed it...

how sad...

love between husband and wife wasnt encouraged...

during the time of King Arthur... not the legend but the historical figure... knights are supposed to take on a princess or noble lady in which they would love... one of whom they would die or lie ... ok sorry, transgressing into Adam's 'everything i do...' in any case, their very own wives were 'pushed aside' because they have committed the act and hence not as pure as the love...

how audacious is that?

yes their forays into sex is a recent accident of civilisation my dear friends and foes...

aha...

on the other hand.. the east...

i dont need to tell you people about Karma Sutra...

need not tell you about Layla and Majnun...

need not tell you about the smile of the princess that shattered the Great Wall...

and the notion in Islamic tradition that loving your partner is a prerequisite towards attaining a ticket to heaven...

we shall not dwell into Africa cos... they have always been cool about these kinds of thing..

so boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen... dont be blinded by the valentine day's commercialism... theres is nothing in it, let alone a cosmic significance, plus there is gross miscalculation somewhere (because of the whims and fancies of the Roman Rulers, 14th of Feb wasnt always on 14th of Feb)... yes good that we celebrate a day of love... but cant we do that every day? if anyone wants that day to be beneficial... at least make it a public holiday...

with that said, (not in order of merit, soundtrack playing.. where is the love - black eye peas) to my gorgeous girl (she gets first priority though, sorry guys!!)... i love you to bits...

to my friends.... you know who you are! yes the ones who are wasting time to read this blog... i love you to pieces too... very much indeed...

to my mama (this i have to mention especially) ... i love you dearly...

to my papa (also, especially) ... i love so much...

to my siblings... with special mention... my baby sister... Mega... love you and missing you...

love, love, love...

ok cheers everyone!!!!

o yeah... just for the record... Felicia is a happy girl now...

so i told her....

2005-02-10T22:03:00.000+08:00

ok world, forgive me for i have sinned...

i was supposed to go home (back to singapore) becos i couldnt pay my school fees... however, my fairy godfather appeared... and thus i am staying...

meanwhile, i hadnt told the girl about it... hoping to surprise her... so when i told her on monday, she was surprised alright... i got a good hug, but then she started swearing... yes started swearing at me... ( but with no vulgarities ) ...

apparently, she was close to her breaking point, thinking about me... for that, i will love her even more...

that is why and how, my dear friends and foes, i have sinned... for making her go through the whole ordeal...

i luv u dearly... so dearly... u cannot imagine how much...

Jealousy

2005-02-10T11:53:00.000+08:00

Jealousy.

Please do not get me wrong.

First and foremost, I do feel jealous. there is not a day that goes by that I don’t have that emotion, frankly speaking. But i dont really express it. and it is not that I don’t care. ........

Ok we will get back to this.

Secondly, jealousy is also an emotion, an irrational one that if it isn’t controlled can lead to catastrophic consequences. So, knowing that it might lead to catastrophic consequences, if entertained, so isn’t it wiser to steer away from it?

Hence, there lies the problem.

It is a problem because jealousy/ emotion/ catastrophic consequences… not a very good combo… like the Singapore malay/ Chinese Malaysian combo…hmmmmm…in any case, all of these are unavoidable… it is a tough one… for one thing I will always be able to get past the emotional bit because, even though I had felt jealousy, I don’t think it meant anything …unless!!!

a- your partner wants to leave you
b- or has intention of leaving you
c- has forgotten about you

to me, it is all good… I turn that negativity into something positive.

I probably would say,

‘I feel jealous’

aka loosely tranlated....

‘I love you …’

and then i put my sincerest smile...

the girl kisses him and says 'i love you too...'

regrets i have a few...

2005-02-10T11:51:00.000+08:00

I dreamt last night. as far as I was concerned it was a very eventful and interesting dream. Unfortunately I cant remember any of it and thus couldn’t share. So right now I am searching the inner subconscious for that dream. It is one of the most difficult thing to do. Because you know that it is there but you cant find it. a landmark is needed to remind you of it. it is like a song that you know, and you wont be able to sing it unless the song is on.

Moving on.

The girl read to me my old posts. Yup the angry ones, especially. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am an angry little man. Well, perhaps not as angry as when I was in my late teens, early twenties. I am not laughing at them now, neither am I cringing and there is not a tinge of embarrassment. I do not regret what I have said. I only wished I could have said it better.

Regrets I have a few...

sadness

2005-02-06T02:34:00.000+08:00

my dear friend felicia is sad... while i am basking in this temporary happiness, she is sad. for that reason i am sad too.

i know why she is sad.

FAHMI...

that is the word that has been the bain of her sadness. She loves her dearly, that is what it is. simply is. and that because he isnt here he misses him.

there are of course many other reasons as to why she feels this way. however, those 5 letter word, that altogether makes up the best man she has ever been with is the basic reason why she is like this.

i have noticed it but i cant say nothing because, i dunno, i dont want to fan the fire...

all i can say is that i feel for you feli...

i have been thru the same... and you know it... things will pick up...

PS- that's why, have the patience to understand the movies i have recommended and you will definitely feel a thousand times better...

the simple things in life

2005-02-05T23:51:00.000+08:00

in a time when there is little joy and happiness shortlived, i was indeed ecstatic when i saw her apppear as she crosses the road, walking gingerly, i wanted to run (but didnt, although i should have) to her.... for fear of being Bollywood Dramatic

irawan had in his mind the tackiness of Cinta Bollywood and the laughter of a particular daughter of Mr Miyagi... ok that sounds a bit too mouthful...

and so we met, we hugged... a long hug... like we have not met for a very long time... a month and a half to be exact... but with the knowledge that i would not be in Perth soon... nevertheless, we hugged .... long time... she didnt say nothing, neither did i, and i knew tears were streaming down her cheeks... i controlled mine...

somebody had to be the strong one! have lost a lot of water from my system for the past few weeks now, not planning or intending to shed a few more... its summer!!! conserve water!

to say the very least, it was surreal... couldnt believe i was seeing her... couldnt believe it... thought that Dec 24th was the last... so not true...

i am happy... shall not be hyperbole about it... what i felt was sheer happiness...

what kind of happiness?

remember when you first were able to cycle? as you race down the heel... with the knowledge that you are able to balance on two wheels??!!! with the wind against you... zoom zoom zoom...

yes it is that simple...

it is those simple little things that makes you jump for joy...

Van Halen's Jump starts playing... the keyboard riff begins... finger signs are being held up in the air...

with loads of love he kisses the girl...

Unconditional Love

2005-02-02T17:21:00.000+08:00

I am almost well now, although the world is still spinning endlessly which resultantly causing me to experience bouts of moments in which I would stare into empty spaces. My tummy’s rumbling but I have lost a bit of appetite.

Azly’s mother cooked a very nice porridge. How nice of that woman. Well she is a mother after all.

Unconditional love.

A love without wanting any returns. It is tough to find that nowadays. Or is it? maybe it can be found with the right company and the endless stream of on gushing waters of love will come whisking away the sadness, hatred and melancholy into oblivion. It comforts you like a warm fleece blanket on a cold winter’s night. the blanket doesn’t want anything in return except that it hopes it gets washed every month or so. Notwithstanding that, it still keeps you warm despite its tattered and filthy condition.

Love with no condition.

if only the world is as lovely as thee...

illness

2005-02-01T01:30:00.000+08:00

just like the concept of happiness and sadness; without illness, you may never know how feeling healthy would be like...

today i am ill... head throbs, body aches, mind at random... disorganised...

if only the world is as lovely as thee...

the next 5 most depressing songs

2005-01-27T20:08:00.000+08:00

perhaps the running theme for this week is music... or rather precisely, as it seems, depressing music...

for a couple of days, i have been spacing out ( you know, when u someone stares or gaze into the empty space)... Felicia has often caught me doing that, but those were for different reasons... ok, before i ramble on here they are...

Next 5 most depressing Songs

Send in the Clowns - Frank Sinatra (written by Stephen Sondheim)

of cos, in this instance, big blue eye didnt write the songs nor the lyrics... but i cant imagine who else would be able to blanket that piece of music with such sadness and melancholy. i think only his voice could.

when all is lost, only laughter can save the day... so ... send in the clowns...

how depressing is that!

Something - the Beatles

eversince the beatles departed from their rather cheery ourlook of the world through the album Revolver, their songs have been more ponderous and talk about questions rather than giving answers... a more philosophical outlook...

You're asking me love will grow,
i dont know, i dont know,
you stick around now, it may show
i dont know, i dont know...

complimented by a haunting melody...

compare this with their earlier work...

and when i get home to you,
and see all the things that you do,
you know it will be alright... (A Hard Day's Night)

any objections?

The Wild Ones - Suede

in the 80s, the British pop movement were led by conservative Thatcherism, Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran, New World Order... though they may write sad love songs, it isnt the same as depressing songs... well writing sad love songs actually shows that the other part of your life is so good that you can waste so much time on love... however, the 90s featured bands like Oasis, Radiohead, Suede, Blur... who took the energy of 70s punk into pop music...

their music didnt deal with comfortable issues... but issues of death, dying, and departure... and there is not turning back!

its a shame the plane's leaving on this sunny day...
my tattoo will be bleeding and the name will stain...

doesnt sound like you are my sunshine .... you make me happy... doesnt it??

A Thousand Years - Sting

During his recent concert in Singapore, this song played last... let me just say, if not for kleenex, the Singapore Indoor Stadium would have surely been flooded...

Steve Lukather's Guitar Solo in Wont Hold You Back - Toto

alright, not many people might understand this. so i will try my best to explain.

let me ask you a question. have you heard the wailing of a mother who had just lost her baby... well to say the very least, this guitar solo sounds like it... it wails so hauntingly, that it is beautiful...

iwan enters the botanic garden looking for a yellowgerberas...

if only the world is as lovely as thee...

Top Five Depressing Songs

2005-01-25T22:05:00.000+08:00

as i scour the insides of my body and soul, i have found that i have a large amount of depressing songs in my Itunes. not that i am connected to my computer but my collection of songs in Itunes definitely reflects my personality. which brings to mind a very important question?

am i a depressing, cynical, pessimistic person?

i am not going to answer those questions in this blog.

Okri mentioned that there are many riddles in this world that only the dead can answer...

however, what i am going to do is to list down my top ten most depressing songs... and (another) however, another question arises... how do these selected songs qualify as the most depressing? is it based on the amount of tears one shed while listening to the songs? or is it based of the pain it sticks to one's heart emotion... if so, again, how is it valued? the difficulty in valuing these pieces of artwork is enormous because we are dealing with something intangible... the human heart...

i also cant be biased towards once artist and ignore the other...which means i have a preference for something and unashamedly biased towards another... this i will attempt not to indulge in cos... it would be grossly unfair... or wouldnt it... then how about the songs that i havent heard of before... or how about songs in other languages apart from English....

and then, upon further ponder and wonder, no matter what i come up with, i will not be able to conclude this pointless exercise without being biased in one form or another... so to my readers out there, what the heck!! i shall do it, because i feel it is right...

in any case, i shall put my intelligence on the line... i shall risk being stupid, looking stupid, appearing moronic... nevertheless, i shall gain the satisfaction of exorcising the ghost of depressing songs...

anyways here they are....

Top Five Most Depressing Songs
not in order of merit

Say Hello to Heaven - Temple of the Dog... the album and band is called Temple of the Dog... most of the songs were written by Chris Cornell (of Soundgarden and Audioslave fame). it is a tribute to a late friend, Andrew Wood... true, the lyrics were sad and depressing...

eg.
The star was your playground
and the ground was your bed....

nevertheless, this song got my vote because it was the first song that brought me to tears after listening to it for the first time... this happened way back in 1992...

Fake Plastic Trees - RadioHead .... Radiohead has been known to churn out an enormous number of depressing songs... Creep was a loserish song... o god, i luvd that song... High and Dry was perhaps, after queensryche's Silent Lucidity was the alienation song.... but Fake Plastic's melody did it for me... how more sad can it get...

You will always be the same - David Gray ...first and foremost, everytime i try to play this song (that means sing and play on my acoustic) i could not cause i wud not be able to get by the second line without shedding a tear... (o yes i am a crybaby though i am not emo bitch) .... with that i rest my case....

Redemption Song - Bob Marley ... wat kind of music would a lowly educated, ganja smoking man would ever possibly weave... people always suspect that he writes party songs ( yes they do!!!) ... i mean the whole raggae concept definitely is a get high and dance and lots of romping later kind of culture but lest not be forgotten that it also turned the tables against Mental Oppression... this song summarises the Oppression the colonised have felt since the Europeans decided to civilised the rest of the world... (ya rite!)

... these songs of freedom
is all i ever have... redemption song...

Bob Marley is a ganja smoking genius...

In My Darkest Hour - Megadeth ... Dave Mustaine (of Megadeth fame, a heavy metal band) was a close friend of Cliff Burton (Metallica's dead bassist) ... he died in a car crash when their tour bus got into an accident... this song has more anger than anything... but for a metal head, Dave Mustaine sure is a sensitive dude... tsk tsk...

she called me thrice today!... how sweet is that!
i miss her dearly too... my rambutan girl...

Houston.... we have a problem.... the snoring kind.

2005-01-24T02:29:00.000+08:00

As the title suggest, yes, i have a snoring problem... and i fear it shall be a very big problem... let me let it out, let me get it in the open...

I HAVE A SNORING PROBLEM!!!!

believe it or not, not many will admit it... i have taken a step towards solving it ( but no promises yet) ... just a step, a tiny step, by admitting thate i have a snoring problem... ok that is, i believe, the third time i have said it... the snoring problem ( now that is four, in such a short space of time)... well, i havent heard of anyone divorcing their better half because of that, and i think i do not want to create history...

it is unlike, for example, if u have problems with ur prowessness in bed... because that easily solved with a move or two or with a bit of sensitivity... but this is a physical problem, probably more like if you have problem with the size of your dick kind.... get wat i mean?... however, the problem with that problem (is this one of those repetitive problems?) is that once you have accepted and reconciled with the fact that it doesnt get any bigger than that you dont have a problem.. in other words, you cant ignore it!

i dont know how my ex-gfs can stand it!!! they must have really liked me or they were really really really really.... ok really to the power of infinity, sound sleepers... NOT!!!! Dilah Aidid, can u explain, how u could have ignored that problem????

is this too depressing or is it an eye-opener? ok i shall not lament... what i would do is to ask a doctor friend to solve this problem...

irawan hears the sound of ... ch-ching!!!.. Money...

there are a few things that has been bugging me for the past few days...

read the girl's blog and was wondering what he will miss when he leaves Perth...

1-its laidback lifestyle... its isolation....

2-Mr Samurai and Moon Cafe....

3-being creative and weird

4-being praised for being creative and weird... not being given the kind of look that you would get in Singapore....

5-being respected and not looked down upon despite working as a cleaner in SunMicrosystems or as a cook in Temasek Cafe...

6-Not being asked what you are going to do with a Degree in Creative Writing and English...duh!

7-not being told that Writing is synonymous with Journalism... double duh!

9-the abso-fucking-lutely fabulous Fs - Felicia and Fidah

10-the weather

Hence, those are the Top ten things that i will miss...

No, irawan has not forgotten about the girl, he just feels that she deserves a separate tribute of her own... doesnt want to relegate her as a mere David Letterman's list of lists...

the moon over Perth (or perhaps elsewhere in the world) is close to being full... perhaps in a day or two... the haze has receded... for now... and things are looking up...

Irawan misses SSK dearly...

and Felicia, i really do love you...

I'm a creep, weirdo...

2005-01-22T11:15:00.000+08:00

had been listening to the super depressing music of radiohead.... all i can say is that they are so depressing, and i am not talking about sad my-boyfren-girlfriend-left me depression... but the world is ending depression... and they are so depressing it makes me feel good... that and soundgarden... people say, grunge was epitomised by Nirvana.... i think dats just because Kurt Cobain killed himself... but every grunge freak (including me) knows that the driving force of grunge was actually MotherLoveBone.... wic spawned two bands.... Pearl Jam and Soundgarden... but Soundgarden have broken up... why? WHY!!! WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

irawan throws his hands up in the air as the rain pelts the ground, lightning zaps the tree just missing him and thunder roaring non stop.....

too bad i cant be listening to Soundgarden cos i dont have my Mac with me.... but i think it is all for the better... stops me from being very cynical... i shall not say 'i can be very cynical' cos i think there are many people out there who are very cynical... or rather more cynical i am.... i wont do the Pelita....

ok there is this girl from my school, she luvd to say this line in response to something somebody had said, (probably to piss her off...)

dont make me angry, you wouldnt like me when i am angry....

heard this line before? of cos u have! remember Incredible Hulk? no not Eric Bana, the Computer generated green monster.... but Lou Ferigno (did i spell it right?) Incredible Hulk... and Dr David Banner was Bill Bixby... remember that haunting piano theme that is played everytime the credits rolls out... i think that is one of the saddest melodies i have ever heard... welll apart from radiohead's wailing... ok ok... if i am not mistaken, it was in the first few episodes when Mr McGhee... the reporter who has been hunting for the Hulk turns up in Dr Banner's lab and starts asking intrusive questions... that he said those magic golden line....

well Pelita quit after a year... wait a minute... not even a year.... and she went home with a trace ful of debts.... ok shant say anything else.... lets leave it at that...

ok here comes....

PLay of the Day....

Characters, Chucky, Iman

*director's note: there are about 8 of them. but there were only two speaking roles.

so the boys arrives at Zouk around 9pm... which is relatively early... everyone was excited to watch... DJ Norman Cook a.k.a. FatBoy Slim... i think he wasnt really a massive star yet... but he was promoting his first album, right here right now...

Chucky: eh banyak orang... tiket dah beli? (look at the people... have u bought the tickets?)

Iman: ah ahlah... tiket dengan Wak (yes.. the tickets with Wak)

Pause

Chucky looks at the girls. looks at the people. and looks at the Banner on top of Zouk.

Chucky: eh man... apa dia tulis ni?! (reads the banner) DJ Norman Cook aku Fatboy Slim.... (what does it say)

Baik ah Chucky!!!!

Play of the Day

2005-01-20T01:03:00.000+08:00

Characters: Sufian, Chucky

Sufian and Chucky are having tea at Makmur Restaurant. cars passes by in droves. there are moment when it is quiet.

Chucky: dah lama tak jumpa Saddiq (been a while since i've seen saddiq)

Sufian: sibuklah (probably he's busy)

Chucky: aku dengar2 ada cerita ( i've heard rumours about them)

Sufian: fasal apa?

Chucky: bini dia suspecting (his wife is suspecting)

BAIK AH!!!!

bush fires

2005-01-19T10:55:00.000+08:00

yesterday was fozzil's birthday.... can you believe it, he is 29... i really really thought that he is still in high school... i swear he could be .... well anyway, why and how come i didnt get such a reception on my birthday...

irawan feels nausea and feels like vomitting....

ok kidding, anyway you know who was the master of ceremony cum organiser cum best friend cum kamlan and cum shot over the face? Sivaramakrishna B...

irawan breaks into a song called A la la la la Ram.... (to the tune of Inner Circle' s A La la la long song) he had to stop singing because ..... he opens his mouth again and feels like vomitting...

this is how we were seated.... long table... about 1, 2, 3....16 pple... 7 on each longer sides and 2 on either heads get it? if u dont get it u a really bad in your math.... GROW UP! People! anyway, i think it was mightily nice of Commander Ram to organise such an event.... o wait a minute.... someone wishes to spit on his cake...

amongst all the happy faces there was a frowning one... she is looking at everyone from the corner of the eye...

do i have to put up with this? already i have had the pleasure of this masquerade, well actualy its becos i value the friendship more than anything... i wish him all the best... good on ya mate... but if u screw me up once again... just once again... hell hath no fury for an irawan scorned!

irawan sips... that becomes gulp... ooopsss he finished the iced teh tarik at one go.... baik AH!!! aduh!!!! brain freeze.....

serenity... serenity... serenity.......

the view outside is so surreal... there is a bush fire somewhere in the towards the north of perth...

FAQ

2003-11-18T13:16:00.000+08:00

NET-SAVVY readers will already be familiar with the term FAQ, which stands for Frequently Asked Questions.
For instance, if you buy a personal computer, there is a website you can go to read answers to frequently asked questions about that particular model.

Generally, they appear in the following format:
Q: My PC doesn't seem to work even though I've plugged in the power and turned it on (what am I, stupid?). Please help.
A: It's very easy. There is a book that came with the PC called a manual. Turn the pages and read it, because we spent thousands of dollars printing it so you wouldn't bother tech support staff, who have far more important things to do, such as figuring out how to lose their virginity.
However, I have never come across a really important FAQ, one that answers all the questions about this life we're living.
Luckily, I'm here to help. Below is the one FAQ that everyone should have access to.
Feel free to reproduce it anywhere you want, so long as you ask my paper for permission first and pay me a huge bundle of money for the rights.

Question 1: What is the meaning of life?
A: According to reliable sources such as the Oxford dictionary (or maybe it was singer Michael Johnson or whatever), it's a bitch, and then you die.
That's as good an answer as any, though I don't really know why life is a female dog.
If you're looking for a deeper meaning, you clearly have too much time on your hands and need to go out and get a female dog, err, I mean, life.

Question 2: Is there life after death?
A: I sure hope not. From my comprehensive research, which included watching the movies The Sixth Sense and The Ring, you normally look pretty bad after death.
True, Bruce Willis looked pretty all right, but do you really want to go through your life with a hole in your stomach and blood gushing out endlessly?
Plus, you're kind of stuck wearing the same clothes for eternity, and that's got to stink. Unless you're an Asian female ghost, of course - then you're stuck with a white blanket for a dress till the end of time.
Either way, it's not something to look forward to.

Question 3: What are Heaven, Purgatory and Hell like?
A: Heaven would be like watching a loop tape of Shu Qi taking a bubble bath.
Purgatory would be like watching a loop tape of me taking a bubble bath.
Hell would be like watching a loop tape of Brothers 4.

Question 4: How can I bring a life into a world filled with war, famine and disease.?
A: This being a family paper, I really can't go into the details. I suggest you go to your nearest quality bookstore and pick up a copy of The Joy of Sex.
Alternatively, you could try asking your parents about the birds and the bees, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Question 5: In this day and age, how does one make a marriage work?
A: If you'd asked famed psychologist Sigmund Freud, he'd have said the key is to have lots of sex. I haven't read any of his works, but I'm pretty sure that is what he would have said, which is why he was a psychologist and not a tech support staff.
If you asked me, however, I'd say the key would be to be discreet when you're having lots of sex, because if your spouse found out, it would mean a messy divorce.

Question 6: Why is it that married couples have less sex?
A: That's a misconception. Married couples have no sex at all, at least not with each other. Unless, of course, the husbands do things for their wives, such as housework.
Either way, it's not an ideal situation.

Question 7: How does life really change when you have children?
A: You will never have a peaceful night's rest again. As infants, they always wait until you drift off to sleep to scream and ask for milk.
As young children, they run to your bed in the middle of the night, jump into it and start kicking you in their sleep, which basically means you get none.
As teenagers, you stay up worrying which party they are at and why they're not home yet at 3am.
As adults, they pass you their children to look after and the cycle begins again.
This, by the way, also answers Question 6.

Question 8: How can I get rich quick?
There are a few ways. The easiest is to be born rich, but obviously, as a spermatozoa, you're just happy to have reached that egg first before anyone else, so you're unlikely to have much of a say in this.
You could also marry rich, but with over 3 billion females in the world fighting for approximately 72 billionaires, the odds are not good. It's even worse for males.
And really, if I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn't be here writing this stupid FAQ, would I?

2003-11-17T22:34:00.000+08:00

i troubles me to think as the festive season draws near, i shall be without my family, girlfriend, and best friends. there is a sort of tentativeness that i am experiencing that shall be overwhelming when that time arrives. for now i dont feel it, but slowly it is creeping behind my back.

the first thing that i am going to miss is the food. what is Hari Raya without food. the ketupat. rendang. lontong. fried chicken. u know all those sinful stuffs dats not good for ur body.

secondly. i am going to miss the time spent at the void deck at block 845 Eunosville where all the blokes will hang out regardless of marital status, to meet and ask for forgiveness. well most of us have our own lives now and so it is even more important that we meet at that time to seek forgiveness from each other. u may never know wat might happen to u till the next Eidilfitri. but if i missed that, theres always the second chance. meeting after Eid prayers. and plus photo opportunities. i have seen the number grown smaller by each year. and this year, with my absence, it is going to be even more smaller.

thirdly. i will not miss this but i will in a silly sort of way. the spring cleaning part of the house. its the yearly use ur hands campaign at the Ganis. washing the floor. the carpet. the toilet. the kitchen. i dont wash the room cos i dont have a room to speak of. so i wash the living room. thats! my room. and then Imelda, my sister would redecorate her house and misplace a lot of things. well dats according to my father.

fourthly, at noon. the begging for forgiveness part. imagine. 9 of us. or if counting in my nieces and brother in law, 14. we would make a line to beg for forgiveness. all is forgiven.

but then again, i have lived a life where learning to be independent has been the priority. no matter. i luv all of u just the same.

i will try to make the best out of the worst.

2003-11-14T11:52:00.000+08:00

FUCK !!

2003-11-10T17:40:00.000+08:00

you are right. i am wrong. i am going in the farms to sleep with all the farm chicks. and in the meantime i am going to sleep with all the girls, if possible in perth. if not possible i would just settle for the ones around me. so i am going to have my fun and i am so sorry that you are not. and it is good of you to remind me. well i have to remind myself a dozen times. forgive me for my current indiscretions and dilemmas. theres no explanation for all these problems. i deserve them. i have been the bane of your pains. so i will decapitate it from ur happiness. i shall take my leave now. consider me gone.

2003-11-01T01:25:00.000+08:00

dats it!! the end of assignments!!! did my presentation... the song...ahahaa.a.... it was lame... not the best song i have ever written.... but it amazed alot of people... well more good news... won third prize for my short story for the competition... pretty proud of myself... i wish that someone would tell me *well done* or the likes... and they had some nice buffet... chips and sandwiches... well dats not the best part.. they had wines... DAMN!! well before i succumb to dat ... i ran away as fast as possible....

and guess what! i went to the mosque wif Muhammad for the Tarawih Prayers... dats the first in Perth... wat a momentous occasion... well its back at home now... have to think of wat to have for Sahur...

IIIIII...... FEEL SO .... COMFORTABLY NUMB.... (in case anyone doesnt know... its Pink Floyd)

2003-10-29T17:47:00.000+08:00

what is my value, if i have any? am i any good to society... wat have i done or wat can i do dat will help society? i am good at writing, i am good at speaking, at music... in short i am a babbler... well if one can count the other hidden talent as a good for society dat is as a sex object...maybe, i am not saying that i am any good... i am just saying dat i can function dat away....

maybe dat is all i am good for.. for fuck... i remember wen i was talking to sean when he was still staying with me... i told him... go and get a girlfriend and he would reply, 'For fuck..' and my answer to him was '...precisely...'

i shall trudge on.

why am i talking about this in the holy month of Ramadhan....

*minus points*

2003-10-29T00:12:00.000+08:00

the root of all evils in today's ills is nationalism... when it came out of the realms of france so many years ago, everyone thought well thats a good idea.... well centuries later... see what nationalism has brought us into... ethnic divisions...

well yeah, to know ur origins is well and good but wen u band them up together with a host of other emotions... that spells trouble...

no one dreams of a world without boundaries anymore cause everyone more interested in themselves and taking care of their own interests...

democracy is not the solution... trust me... not wen the population fail to understand the meaning... its just another political system, another passing fad... i am sure someone will think of something brilliant somewhere...

singaporeans never fail to surprise me... they still live in their own little world. well no doubt it is a tiny island but the world sits write at the doorsteps of singapore. they need something to happen right at their doorstep to actually realise that there is more to the world than their tiny little flats... like for instance, wen the Gulf War happened the no one thought that it would in anyway affect Singapore... HALO!!! does anyone even know that we have the biggest Oil Refinery in the world let alone the best? so being the BEST means that all of the World's Oils will come to Singapore for refining. and much of the world's oil is in the Gulf. so wen something happens there, something happens here.... like, no oil will come to singapore! and wen that happens means no revenue. and that revenue is a big source of income for Singapore... and no revenue means no money no job and so on so forth... doesnt anyone realise this??

and then the SARS happend.... probably dats a message from God or something to all Singaporeans dat the world is not the four walls of their flats....

2003-10-28T02:12:00.000+08:00

there isnt really much of a difference ... fasting elsewhere.. not that i havent done that before...but of cos there is a difference. now i m pretty much stuck here. have no choice but carry on fasting from 4am to 7pm. thats a little over 12 hours i think. if my primary school math is still good. well i have to console myself with the fact that the day gets longer. and exams coming.

was at home all day. finishing up the assignment.

then broke fast. alone.
had butter rice. forgot to put salt. grilled meat. marinated with oyster sauce, cinnamon, olive oil, an vegeables in tomyam sauce.
coffee with chocolate and milk.

watched queer eye for the straight guy.... luvd that show...

wat else can i luv...

2003-10-26T19:14:00.000+08:00

Yup Everything happens for a reason... if u cannot change it, accept it.

we led to believe that we have no power to change things. well ladies and gentleman, believe it. u cant change how a person feels or how they think. u can only accomodate.

right now i am stuck with the loan thing and no one understands the difficulty i am in, not even my father. i think he deserves another cold treatment from me to get the message through.

its only just three years ago dat my relationship with him normalised. before that i had not actually ever had talked to him a little over a year. dat is long by our families' standards. i dont ask for much. i dont shower for attention. dats the last thing i expect. i just want an understanding.

i have taken all the responsibilities that have been asked of me. so wat more do u want?

i m here at my own expense and still i m not allowed to do what i want?
isnt dat simply unfair?

i m stuck in a rut. really really stuck.
u ppl expect me to come home wen u r precisely the same reason why i have gone away. why?? no one at home to take the responsibility?

u dont see me as important yet u depend on me... wat kind of fuck logic is dat?

well, if u cant change it then accept it...

that's the story so far....

PS- indeed i havent been unfair to u...again, watever decision u take, i shall respect it. miss u still. goodbye.

2003-10-26T15:22:00.000+08:00

when the music starts
when the dance began
our eyes would meet
there would be no end

and the music stopped
the moving wind dropped
silence ensued
the moment reigned

i would fly to u
on this wing made of wax
fly across ocean and south east asia
along with the great migration

i would go by sea
on this boat of paper
glide pass the island of Bali
with dolphins as my guide

2003-10-23T16:11:00.000+08:00

i think one of god's greatest gift to man is the ability to scream at the top of their voice... that is if u have the ability to speak... i am not a screamer, meaning i do not scream dat often but i think wen i do its pretty loud...

well dats exactly wat i did last nite... it was 2am and i screamed... i have no idea wat dats for ... for now... probably i will figure dat one out soon...

went to school... class cancelled....
today went into class... assigment got lost somewhere...
talked to this certain someone.... head's too thick to penetrate....

well other than that everything's fine...

wat else can i do...
shall seek solace from my music....

time

2003-10-20T18:09:00.000+08:00

this songwriting is driving me crazy cos i am not getting the lyrics right... maybe i m trying to be someone i m not suppose to be... verbose..very verbose... so each day since friday i have spent the afternoon walking at lake herdsman park... i have gotten a few good stuffs but i dont think they are good enuff... maybe i should get someone to read it so that i can gauge.. *sigh* but no one is interested... nevermind shall self critique my stuffs....

Ali's gone to Melbourne this afternoon till Sunday, i think... now that he is gone.. can use the phone line again..

house inspection was today... cleaned the house yesterday.. the houseagent came and went when we were asleep... or at least i saw heard her.... i think we got away with it...

finally one more to go

2003-10-18T00:09:00.000+08:00

the busy week is over... now i can concentrate on my research report.. the one that i painstakingly did... had a few interviews with songwriters around perth.. and then have to do that song... i dunno whether to do it live or recorded for my presentation.. contemplating....

this busy week actually brought me to my teaching years... i dunno why but it just did... come to think of it wat did teaching bring me if not only to confirm my suspicion that government policies are run by ignorant, inflexible imbicles... was it out of sheer stupidity? perhaps.... but i m over dat now...

anyway the point i am getting at is that in my last year of teaching i did something that i have never done before in the 6 years of teaching.... perform in front of the whole school... TWICE!!! one on children's day and the other on a year end concert.... the second time we had a live band and all... that was pretty cool actually... and i think to the kids it meant a lot... i mean i knew i was going out... so why not go out with a bang... it was the least i could do for the kids that i had taught....

well the legend of Mr Irawan continues....

songs

2003-10-16T00:04:00.000+08:00

i think perhaps, sting is the greatest lyricist of all time... i mean look at it... even wen he wrote those simplistic stuffs like Every Breath you Take... only geniuses can articulate so accurately how one feels... but too bad no one understands wat i am talking about... but i just have to get it off my chest... for example, a thousand years... i have tried many times to reproduce something like that let alone its lyrics... i just have to say... fucking genius..well, the english teacher in him could be seen all over the lyrics... one of my favourites which i particularly like... is called Mad About You.. no not that sitcom... that;s one too geeky... cheesy... this one really means something... let's look at it....

MAD ABOUT YOU
A stone's throw from Jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you, I'm lost without you
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand and fall into the sea
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you
And from the dark secluded valleys
I heard the ancient songs of sadness
But every step I thought of you
Every footstep only you
Every star a grain of sand
The leavings of a dried up ocean
Tell me, how much longer,
How much longer?
They say a city in the desert lies
The vanity of an ancient king
But the city lies in broken pieces
Where the wind howls and the vultures sing
These are the works of man
This is the sum of our ambition
It would make a prison of my life
If you became another's wife
With every prison blown to dust
My enemies walk free
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you
And I have never in my life
Felt more alone than I do now
Although I claim dominions over all I see
It means nothing to me
There are no victories
In all our histories
Without love
A stone's throw from Jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you, I'm lost without you
And though you hold the keys to ruin of everything I see
With every prison blown to dust my enemies walk free
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand and fall into the sea
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you

...everytime i look at it... i say to myself... wen i m in love.. dats exactly how i feel... How much longer! How much longer... well i just have to settle for these fictional emotions..

speaking about which i still dunno wat to write about... for my bloody song...

all my kingdom's turned to sand...
as it falls to the sea..

how tragic..
how apt....

well no one understands anyway....

A THOUSAND YEARS

2003-10-15T19:39:00.000+08:00

(Music by Sting & Kipper, Lyrics by Sting)
A thousand years, a thousand more,
A thousand times a million doors to eternity
I may have lived a thousand lives, a thousand times
An endless turning stairway climbs
To a tower of souls
If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,
The towers rise to numberless floors in space
I could shed another million tears, a million breaths,
A million names but only one truth to face
A million roads, a million fears
A million suns, ten million years of uncertainty
I could speak a million lies, a million songs,
A million rights, a million wrongs in this balance of time
But if there was a single truth, a single light
A single thought, a singular touch of grace
Then following this single point, this single flame,
The single haunted memory of your face
I still love you I still want you
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves
Like galaxies in my head
I may be numberless, I may be innocent
I may know many things, I may be ignorant
Or I could ride with kings and conquer many lands
Or win this world at cards and let it slip my hands
I could be cannon food, destroyed a thousand times
Reborn as fortune's child to judge another's crimes
Or wear this pilgrim's cloak, or be a common thief
I've kept this single faith, I have but one belief
I still love you I still want you
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves
Like galaxies in my head
On and on the mysteries unwind themselves
Eternities still unsaid 'Til you love me

but i still luv u

2003-10-15T17:56:00.000+08:00

just wrote a new song... here it is..

You rant and rave and complain
Even if the day were fine
Even if the day were calm
Even when the picture we took was nice

You rage and fume and grumble
Even if I were to give you a card
Even if I were to buy you a dress
Even when last night was fantastic

I m that sensitive man
Who gave you those hugs and kisses
To tell you all those misses
But what can I say
I still love you

You seethe and storm and grouse
For the bus we missed came too early
How easy for you to change your mind
How simple for a change of heart

2003-10-15T01:22:00.000+08:00

the day that began slow stretched immesureably. maybe becos it had rained the day before. maybe the gods are frowning. or someones plain sad. for some reason, i thot this day would never end. but it did. its been a bit too chilly for spring season. thot we might get a lot more sunshine than that. i have no complains. everyone complaining y it hasnt been warm enuff. but when its warm everyones complaining y it hasnt been cold enuff. arent u ever happy wif wat u ever have. its called being contented. tho u can never be satisfied wif anything, u can never not be contented. thot content is ur middle name. so found ur perfectionist part. so thats where its hiding all these while.

now the night seemed to be racing for the end. or its just my heartbeat's beating dastardly fast. maybe theres latent anger. i dunno. i still feel contented. but i now there is exasperation somewhere. lament. or even disappointment. or m i just plain spoilt. spoilt with nothing. i have never had anything dat has been given to me. no gifts that was worth even more than 50 dollars. everything i ever owned, i have worked hard for it. i have had a few charities. those hand me downs.

maybe i have never had a charmed life. probably dats y i m reaping its benefits now.