HISAP SUA

NET-SAVVY readers will already be familiar with the term FAQ, which stands for Frequently Asked Questions.
For instance, if you buy a personal computer, there is a website you can go to read answers to frequently asked questions about that particular model.

Generally, they appear in the following format:
Q: My PC doesn't seem to work even though I've plugged in the power and turned it on (what am I, stupid?). Please help.
A: It's very easy. There is a book that came with the PC called a manual. Turn the pages and read it, because we spent thousands of dollars printing it so you wouldn't bother tech support staff, who have far more important things to do, such as figuring out how to lose their virginity.
However, I have never come across a really important FAQ, one that answers all the questions about this life we're living.
Luckily, I'm here to help. Below is the one FAQ that everyone should have access to.
Feel free to reproduce it anywhere you want, so long as you ask my paper for permission first and pay me a huge bundle of money for the rights.

Question 1: What is the meaning of life?
A: According to reliable sources such as the Oxford dictionary (or maybe it was singer Michael Johnson or whatever), it's a bitch, and then you die.
That's as good an answer as any, though I don't really know why life is a female dog.
If you're looking for a deeper meaning, you clearly have too much time on your hands and need to go out and get a female dog, err, I mean, life.

Question 2: Is there life after death?
A: I sure hope not. From my comprehensive research, which included watching the movies The Sixth Sense and The Ring, you normally look pretty bad after death.
True, Bruce Willis looked pretty all right, but do you really want to go through your life with a hole in your stomach and blood gushing out endlessly?
Plus, you're kind of stuck wearing the same clothes for eternity, and that's got to stink. Unless you're an Asian female ghost, of course - then you're stuck with a white blanket for a dress till the end of time.
Either way, it's not something to look forward to.

Question 3: What are Heaven, Purgatory and Hell like?
A: Heaven would be like watching a loop tape of Shu Qi taking a bubble bath.
Purgatory would be like watching a loop tape of me taking a bubble bath.
Hell would be like watching a loop tape of Brothers 4.

Question 4: How can I bring a life into a world filled with war, famine and disease.?
A: This being a family paper, I really can't go into the details. I suggest you go to your nearest quality bookstore and pick up a copy of The Joy of Sex.
Alternatively, you could try asking your parents about the birds and the bees, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Question 5: In this day and age, how does one make a marriage work?
A: If you'd asked famed psychologist Sigmund Freud, he'd have said the key is to have lots of sex. I haven't read any of his works, but I'm pretty sure that is what he would have said, which is why he was a psychologist and not a tech support staff.
If you asked me, however, I'd say the key would be to be discreet when you're having lots of sex, because if your spouse found out, it would mean a messy divorce.

Question 6: Why is it that married couples have less sex?
A: That's a misconception. Married couples have no sex at all, at least not with each other. Unless, of course, the husbands do things for their wives, such as housework.
Either way, it's not an ideal situation.

Question 7: How does life really change when you have children?
A: You will never have a peaceful night's rest again. As infants, they always wait until you drift off to sleep to scream and ask for milk.
As young children, they run to your bed in the middle of the night, jump into it and start kicking you in their sleep, which basically means you get none.
As teenagers, you stay up worrying which party they are at and why they're not home yet at 3am.
As adults, they pass you their children to look after and the cycle begins again.
This, by the way, also answers Question 6.

Question 8: How can I get rich quick?
There are a few ways. The easiest is to be born rich, but obviously, as a spermatozoa, you're just happy to have reached that egg first before anyone else, so you're unlikely to have much of a say in this.
You could also marry rich, but with over 3 billion females in the world fighting for approximately 72 billionaires, the odds are not good. It's even worse for males.
And really, if I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn't be here writing this stupid FAQ, would I?

i troubles me to think as the festive season draws near, i shall be without my family, girlfriend, and best friends. there is a sort of tentativeness that i am experiencing that shall be overwhelming when that time arrives. for now i dont feel it, but slowly it is creeping behind my back.

the first thing that i am going to miss is the food. what is Hari Raya without food. the ketupat. rendang. lontong. fried chicken. u know all those sinful stuffs dats not good for ur body.

secondly. i am going to miss the time spent at the void deck at block 845 Eunosville where all the blokes will hang out regardless of marital status, to meet and ask for forgiveness. well most of us have our own lives now and so it is even more important that we meet at that time to seek forgiveness from each other. u may never know wat might happen to u till the next Eidilfitri. but if i missed that, theres always the second chance. meeting after Eid prayers. and plus photo opportunities. i have seen the number grown smaller by each year. and this year, with my absence, it is going to be even more smaller.

thirdly. i will not miss this but i will in a silly sort of way. the spring cleaning part of the house. its the yearly use ur hands campaign at the Ganis. washing the floor. the carpet. the toilet. the kitchen. i dont wash the room cos i dont have a room to speak of. so i wash the living room. thats! my room. and then Imelda, my sister would redecorate her house and misplace a lot of things. well dats according to my father.

fourthly, at noon. the begging for forgiveness part. imagine. 9 of us. or if counting in my nieces and brother in law, 14. we would make a line to beg for forgiveness. all is forgiven.

but then again, i have lived a life where learning to be independent has been the priority. no matter. i luv all of u just the same.

i will try to make the best out of the worst.

FUCK !!

you are right. i am wrong. i am going in the farms to sleep with all the farm chicks. and in the meantime i am going to sleep with all the girls, if possible in perth. if not possible i would just settle for the ones around me. so i am going to have my fun and i am so sorry that you are not. and it is good of you to remind me. well i have to remind myself a dozen times. forgive me for my current indiscretions and dilemmas. theres no explanation for all these problems. i deserve them. i have been the bane of your pains. so i will decapitate it from ur happiness. i shall take my leave now. consider me gone.

dats it!! the end of assignments!!! did my presentation... the song...ahahaa.a.... it was lame... not the best song i have ever written.... but it amazed alot of people... well more good news... won third prize for my short story for the competition... pretty proud of myself... i wish that someone would tell me *well done* or the likes... and they had some nice buffet... chips and sandwiches... well dats not the best part.. they had wines... DAMN!! well before i succumb to dat ... i ran away as fast as possible....

and guess what! i went to the mosque wif Muhammad for the Tarawih Prayers... dats the first in Perth... wat a momentous occasion... well its back at home now... have to think of wat to have for Sahur...

IIIIII...... FEEL SO .... COMFORTABLY NUMB.... (in case anyone doesnt know... its Pink Floyd)