FAQ
NET-SAVVY readers will already be familiar with the term FAQ, which stands for Frequently Asked Questions.
For instance, if you buy a personal computer, there is a website you can go to read answers to frequently asked questions about that particular model.
Generally, they appear in the following format:
Q: My PC doesn't seem to work even though I've plugged in the power and turned it on (what am I, stupid?). Please help.
A: It's very easy. There is a book that came with the PC called a manual. Turn the pages and read it, because we spent thousands of dollars printing it so you wouldn't bother tech support staff, who have far more important things to do, such as figuring out how to lose their virginity.
However, I have never come across a really important FAQ, one that answers all the questions about this life we're living.
Luckily, I'm here to help. Below is the one FAQ that everyone should have access to.
Feel free to reproduce it anywhere you want, so long as you ask my paper for permission first and pay me a huge bundle of money for the rights.
Question 1: What is the meaning of life?
A: According to reliable sources such as the Oxford dictionary (or maybe it was singer Michael Johnson or whatever), it's a bitch, and then you die.
That's as good an answer as any, though I don't really know why life is a female dog.
If you're looking for a deeper meaning, you clearly have too much time on your hands and need to go out and get a female dog, err, I mean, life.
Question 2: Is there life after death?
A: I sure hope not. From my comprehensive research, which included watching the movies The Sixth Sense and The Ring, you normally look pretty bad after death.
True, Bruce Willis looked pretty all right, but do you really want to go through your life with a hole in your stomach and blood gushing out endlessly?
Plus, you're kind of stuck wearing the same clothes for eternity, and that's got to stink. Unless you're an Asian female ghost, of course - then you're stuck with a white blanket for a dress till the end of time.
Either way, it's not something to look forward to.
Question 3: What are Heaven, Purgatory and Hell like?
A: Heaven would be like watching a loop tape of Shu Qi taking a bubble bath.
Purgatory would be like watching a loop tape of me taking a bubble bath.
Hell would be like watching a loop tape of Brothers 4.
Question 4: How can I bring a life into a world filled with war, famine and disease.?
A: This being a family paper, I really can't go into the details. I suggest you go to your nearest quality bookstore and pick up a copy of The Joy of Sex.
Alternatively, you could try asking your parents about the birds and the bees, but I wouldn't recommend it.
Question 5: In this day and age, how does one make a marriage work?
A: If you'd asked famed psychologist Sigmund Freud, he'd have said the key is to have lots of sex. I haven't read any of his works, but I'm pretty sure that is what he would have said, which is why he was a psychologist and not a tech support staff.
If you asked me, however, I'd say the key would be to be discreet when you're having lots of sex, because if your spouse found out, it would mean a messy divorce.
Question 6: Why is it that married couples have less sex?
A: That's a misconception. Married couples have no sex at all, at least not with each other. Unless, of course, the husbands do things for their wives, such as housework.
Either way, it's not an ideal situation.
Question 7: How does life really change when you have children?
A: You will never have a peaceful night's rest again. As infants, they always wait until you drift off to sleep to scream and ask for milk.
As young children, they run to your bed in the middle of the night, jump into it and start kicking you in their sleep, which basically means you get none.
As teenagers, you stay up worrying which party they are at and why they're not home yet at 3am.
As adults, they pass you their children to look after and the cycle begins again.
This, by the way, also answers Question 6.
Question 8: How can I get rich quick?
There are a few ways. The easiest is to be born rich, but obviously, as a spermatozoa, you're just happy to have reached that egg first before anyone else, so you're unlikely to have much of a say in this.
You could also marry rich, but with over 3 billion females in the world fighting for approximately 72 billionaires, the odds are not good. It's even worse for males.
And really, if I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn't be here writing this stupid FAQ, would I?
For instance, if you buy a personal computer, there is a website you can go to read answers to frequently asked questions about that particular model.
Generally, they appear in the following format:
Q: My PC doesn't seem to work even though I've plugged in the power and turned it on (what am I, stupid?). Please help.
A: It's very easy. There is a book that came with the PC called a manual. Turn the pages and read it, because we spent thousands of dollars printing it so you wouldn't bother tech support staff, who have far more important things to do, such as figuring out how to lose their virginity.
However, I have never come across a really important FAQ, one that answers all the questions about this life we're living.
Luckily, I'm here to help. Below is the one FAQ that everyone should have access to.
Feel free to reproduce it anywhere you want, so long as you ask my paper for permission first and pay me a huge bundle of money for the rights.
Question 1: What is the meaning of life?
A: According to reliable sources such as the Oxford dictionary (or maybe it was singer Michael Johnson or whatever), it's a bitch, and then you die.
That's as good an answer as any, though I don't really know why life is a female dog.
If you're looking for a deeper meaning, you clearly have too much time on your hands and need to go out and get a female dog, err, I mean, life.
Question 2: Is there life after death?
A: I sure hope not. From my comprehensive research, which included watching the movies The Sixth Sense and The Ring, you normally look pretty bad after death.
True, Bruce Willis looked pretty all right, but do you really want to go through your life with a hole in your stomach and blood gushing out endlessly?
Plus, you're kind of stuck wearing the same clothes for eternity, and that's got to stink. Unless you're an Asian female ghost, of course - then you're stuck with a white blanket for a dress till the end of time.
Either way, it's not something to look forward to.
Question 3: What are Heaven, Purgatory and Hell like?
A: Heaven would be like watching a loop tape of Shu Qi taking a bubble bath.
Purgatory would be like watching a loop tape of me taking a bubble bath.
Hell would be like watching a loop tape of Brothers 4.
Question 4: How can I bring a life into a world filled with war, famine and disease.?
A: This being a family paper, I really can't go into the details. I suggest you go to your nearest quality bookstore and pick up a copy of The Joy of Sex.
Alternatively, you could try asking your parents about the birds and the bees, but I wouldn't recommend it.
Question 5: In this day and age, how does one make a marriage work?
A: If you'd asked famed psychologist Sigmund Freud, he'd have said the key is to have lots of sex. I haven't read any of his works, but I'm pretty sure that is what he would have said, which is why he was a psychologist and not a tech support staff.
If you asked me, however, I'd say the key would be to be discreet when you're having lots of sex, because if your spouse found out, it would mean a messy divorce.
Question 6: Why is it that married couples have less sex?
A: That's a misconception. Married couples have no sex at all, at least not with each other. Unless, of course, the husbands do things for their wives, such as housework.
Either way, it's not an ideal situation.
Question 7: How does life really change when you have children?
A: You will never have a peaceful night's rest again. As infants, they always wait until you drift off to sleep to scream and ask for milk.
As young children, they run to your bed in the middle of the night, jump into it and start kicking you in their sleep, which basically means you get none.
As teenagers, you stay up worrying which party they are at and why they're not home yet at 3am.
As adults, they pass you their children to look after and the cycle begins again.
This, by the way, also answers Question 6.
Question 8: How can I get rich quick?
There are a few ways. The easiest is to be born rich, but obviously, as a spermatozoa, you're just happy to have reached that egg first before anyone else, so you're unlikely to have much of a say in this.
You could also marry rich, but with over 3 billion females in the world fighting for approximately 72 billionaires, the odds are not good. It's even worse for males.
And really, if I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn't be here writing this stupid FAQ, would I?
Finger Acrobatics Performed
On Tuesday, November 18, 2003 at 1:16 pm.
Skip It and Leave Some!
