HISAP SUA

she didnt think i was cute...

like i care...well, its all in the past...

cherio!!!!

i have been meaning to get in touch with someone since last June. for some reason, weeks prior to that someone's birthday, i had that dire need to speak to that person. however (for another some reason) i couldnt blantantly send an email or downright give that someone a call. why? i do not know. do you know? what and how it feels to try and get in touch with someone whom you have done wrong to? the feeling of embarrassment or is it shamefulness (sort of), regret ( definitely) and perhaps fear (most rightfully) engulfs me everytime i stare at the computer screen with that someone's email address filling in those blanks and you have finished typing the letters which includes 'i am sorry, please forgive me' in it... or staring at your mobile or Lan phone or the public phone after you have keyed in the PIN number of your calling card and all you have to do is to dial that person's number... or completed typing a text message and pausing as you were about to press the SEND dial...

have you? have you? have you?

and then you resort to looking for that person on the internet... which is of course a futile exercise... but surprisingly, you found that person, and not only that! you found a JPEG image of that someone gracing the virtual screen ... and suddenly your heart throbs, short of breath, and suggestions of passing out lingers in the outskirts of your body...

take a piece of marlboro lights, light it, and stare into empty space...

staring into empty space; the girl is good at it...

she reckons she is good at it... being detached... maybe not...

being detached is good...

either that or leave the country for a couple of years...

it isnt easy being detached because the addresses of one's minds brings the emotions and memories that one wants to forget...

gradually and slowly that might happen... but the key words are, gradually and slowly...

i can still remember the most painful memories, i can still remember the face and i can summon the flood of tears at will...

solution; be detached.. be detached...

or be good, be nice... love like it is the last day of your life...

cos when it's gone, it's gone...

dont worry dear, when your gang is here you wont be as 'attached' if that is what you are afraid of...

but search for the elusive spock continues...

have you ever felt the emotion of emptiness despite the being at close proximity with someone you love? be it through blood ties or through a romantic relationship or friendship... have you ever?

i think this is an emotion worst than the feeling of loneliness... some people say they'd rather be alone... i think to a certain extent, that is very true indeed...

touch without feeling
sleep without dreaming
running to stand still...

i am not sure that is the correct quote but it is something like that...

maybe it's karma...

no, i know it's karma...

it IS karma!

it is a situation that is beyond my control... this mouth is spent, the energy have been sucked dry... what else can i do...

nothing, absolutely nothing...

my girl and i express ourselves quite differently...

my girl reckons she is a visual kind of person. she attracted to visuals more than sight or sound... for example if she likes a music video to a piece of music, she would like the music...

as for me, even though i was brought up from a generation when MTV was at its heydays ( i say heyday because it has now become an amalgam of postmodernist chaos where everything is relative and most artists have no absolute allegiance or principles) i was never seduced by the darkside... maybe it was my classical training, maybe it was my uncle's vinyl and cassette collection blaring on Sunday afternoons, or maybe the fact that we didnt have the tele for 5 years... probably it is a combination of them all... i should think so...

different arent we?

but somehow we found a common ground... compromise...

acclimatise....

and now its the searh for the elusive spot...

i reckon i have told everyone within a metre of my vicinity that i dont believe in Valentine's day...

doesa nyone know that Valentine's day was a creation of an American card company in the 1920's? indeed there was a figure known as St Valentine, however, it was celebrated very much differently from what it is today...

the notion of romantic love in Western societies didnt appear until Hollywood started churning out it's endless movies through its movie making treadmill... hence, the idea of a romantic love didnt appear until Tinsletown... er... romanticised it.

true enough the Bard himself, churned timeless romance tales in his plays and sonnets... however, let it be known to all that he was still pretty much frowned upon during his 'heyday'... and wasnt as succcessful as we all like to think ...

lustful, filthy, erotic, errogenous sex wasnt invented by the West, i doubt they had experienced such a thing at that point of time in history... well especially when the Church reigned supreme in the whole of Europe... and to a certain extent early America... but not to ignore the fact that Muslim countries are exactly that nowadys....

do you know that they have 'special' garments for sex? and the attitude towards sex was one of disgust? in other words you are not supposed to enjoy it... because the Lord never enjoyed it...

how sad...

love between husband and wife wasnt encouraged...

during the time of King Arthur... not the legend but the historical figure... knights are supposed to take on a princess or noble lady in which they would love... one of whom they would die or lie ... ok sorry, transgressing into Adam's 'everything i do...' in any case, their very own wives were 'pushed aside' because they have committed the act and hence not as pure as the love...

how audacious is that?

yes their forays into sex is a recent accident of civilisation my dear friends and foes...

aha...

on the other hand.. the east...

i dont need to tell you people about Karma Sutra...

need not tell you about Layla and Majnun...

need not tell you about the smile of the princess that shattered the Great Wall...

and the notion in Islamic tradition that loving your partner is a prerequisite towards attaining a ticket to heaven...

we shall not dwell into Africa cos... they have always been cool about these kinds of thing..

so boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen... dont be blinded by the valentine day's commercialism... theres is nothing in it, let alone a cosmic significance, plus there is gross miscalculation somewhere (because of the whims and fancies of the Roman Rulers, 14th of Feb wasnt always on 14th of Feb)... yes good that we celebrate a day of love... but cant we do that every day? if anyone wants that day to be beneficial... at least make it a public holiday...

with that said, (not in order of merit, soundtrack playing.. where is the love - black eye peas) to my gorgeous girl (she gets first priority though, sorry guys!!)... i love you to bits...

to my friends.... you know who you are! yes the ones who are wasting time to read this blog... i love you to pieces too... very much indeed...

to my mama (this i have to mention especially) ... i love you dearly...

to my papa (also, especially) ... i love so much...

to my siblings... with special mention... my baby sister... Mega... love you and missing you...

love, love, love...

ok cheers everyone!!!!


o yeah... just for the record... Felicia is a happy girl now...

ok world, forgive me for i have sinned...

i was supposed to go home (back to singapore) becos i couldnt pay my school fees... however, my fairy godfather appeared... and thus i am staying...

meanwhile, i hadnt told the girl about it... hoping to surprise her... so when i told her on monday, she was surprised alright... i got a good hug, but then she started swearing... yes started swearing at me... ( but with no vulgarities ) ...

apparently, she was close to her breaking point, thinking about me... for that, i will love her even more...

that is why and how, my dear friends and foes, i have sinned... for making her go through the whole ordeal...

i luv u dearly... so dearly... u cannot imagine how much...

I dreamt last night. as far as I was concerned it was a very eventful and interesting dream. Unfortunately I cant remember any of it and thus couldn’t share. So right now I am searching the inner subconscious for that dream. It is one of the most difficult thing to do. Because you know that it is there but you cant find it. a landmark is needed to remind you of it. it is like a song that you know, and you wont be able to sing it unless the song is on.

Moving on.

The girl read to me my old posts. Yup the angry ones, especially. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am an angry little man. Well, perhaps not as angry as when I was in my late teens, early twenties. I am not laughing at them now, neither am I cringing and there is not a tinge of embarrassment. I do not regret what I have said. I only wished I could have said it better.

Regrets I have a few...

my dear friend felicia is sad... while i am basking in this temporary happiness, she is sad. for that reason i am sad too.

i know why she is sad.

FAHMI...

that is the word that has been the bain of her sadness. She loves her dearly, that is what it is. simply is. and that because he isnt here he misses him.

there are of course many other reasons as to why she feels this way. however, those 5 letter word, that altogether makes up the best man she has ever been with is the basic reason why she is like this.

i have noticed it but i cant say nothing because, i dunno, i dont want to fan the fire...

all i can say is that i feel for you feli...

i have been thru the same... and you know it... things will pick up...

PS- that's why, have the patience to understand the movies i have recommended and you will definitely feel a thousand times better...

in a time when there is little joy and happiness shortlived, i was indeed ecstatic when i saw her apppear as she crosses the road, walking gingerly, i wanted to run (but didnt, although i should have) to her.... for fear of being Bollywood Dramatic

irawan had in his mind the tackiness of Cinta Bollywood and the laughter of a particular daughter of Mr Miyagi... ok that sounds a bit too mouthful...

and so we met, we hugged... a long hug... like we have not met for a very long time... a month and a half to be exact... but with the knowledge that i would not be in Perth soon... nevertheless, we hugged .... long time... she didnt say nothing, neither did i, and i knew tears were streaming down her cheeks... i controlled mine...

somebody had to be the strong one! have lost a lot of water from my system for the past few weeks now, not planning or intending to shed a few more... its summer!!! conserve water!

to say the very least, it was surreal... couldnt believe i was seeing her... couldnt believe it... thought that Dec 24th was the last... so not true...

i am happy... shall not be hyperbole about it... what i felt was sheer happiness...

what kind of happiness?

remember when you first were able to cycle? as you race down the heel... with the knowledge that you are able to balance on two wheels??!!! with the wind against you... zoom zoom zoom...

yes it is that simple...

it is those simple little things that makes you jump for joy...

Van Halen's Jump starts playing... the keyboard riff begins... finger signs are being held up in the air...

with loads of love he kisses the girl...

I am almost well now, although the world is still spinning endlessly which resultantly causing me to experience bouts of moments in which I would stare into empty spaces. My tummy’s rumbling but I have lost a bit of appetite.

Azly’s mother cooked a very nice porridge. How nice of that woman. Well she is a mother after all.

Unconditional love.

A love without wanting any returns. It is tough to find that nowadays. Or is it? maybe it can be found with the right company and the endless stream of on gushing waters of love will come whisking away the sadness, hatred and melancholy into oblivion. It comforts you like a warm fleece blanket on a cold winter’s night. the blanket doesn’t want anything in return except that it hopes it gets washed every month or so. Notwithstanding that, it still keeps you warm despite its tattered and filthy condition.

Love with no condition.


if only the world is as lovely as thee...

just like the concept of happiness and sadness; without illness, you may never know how feeling healthy would be like...

today i am ill... head throbs, body aches, mind at random... disorganised...

if only the world is as lovely as thee...