HISAP SUA

what is my value, if i have any? am i any good to society... wat have i done or wat can i do dat will help society? i am good at writing, i am good at speaking, at music... in short i am a babbler... well if one can count the other hidden talent as a good for society dat is as a sex object...maybe, i am not saying that i am any good... i am just saying dat i can function dat away....

maybe dat is all i am good for.. for fuck... i remember wen i was talking to sean when he was still staying with me... i told him... go and get a girlfriend and he would reply, 'For fuck..' and my answer to him was '...precisely...'

i shall trudge on.

why am i talking about this in the holy month of Ramadhan....

*minus points*

the root of all evils in today's ills is nationalism... when it came out of the realms of france so many years ago, everyone thought well thats a good idea.... well centuries later... see what nationalism has brought us into... ethnic divisions...

well yeah, to know ur origins is well and good but wen u band them up together with a host of other emotions... that spells trouble...

no one dreams of a world without boundaries anymore cause everyone more interested in themselves and taking care of their own interests...

democracy is not the solution... trust me... not wen the population fail to understand the meaning... its just another political system, another passing fad... i am sure someone will think of something brilliant somewhere...

singaporeans never fail to surprise me... they still live in their own little world. well no doubt it is a tiny island but the world sits write at the doorsteps of singapore. they need something to happen right at their doorstep to actually realise that there is more to the world than their tiny little flats... like for instance, wen the Gulf War happened the no one thought that it would in anyway affect Singapore... HALO!!! does anyone even know that we have the biggest Oil Refinery in the world let alone the best? so being the BEST means that all of the World's Oils will come to Singapore for refining. and much of the world's oil is in the Gulf. so wen something happens there, something happens here.... like, no oil will come to singapore! and wen that happens means no revenue. and that revenue is a big source of income for Singapore... and no revenue means no money no job and so on so forth... doesnt anyone realise this??

and then the SARS happend.... probably dats a message from God or something to all Singaporeans dat the world is not the four walls of their flats....

there isnt really much of a difference ... fasting elsewhere.. not that i havent done that before...but of cos there is a difference. now i m pretty much stuck here. have no choice but carry on fasting from 4am to 7pm. thats a little over 12 hours i think. if my primary school math is still good. well i have to console myself with the fact that the day gets longer. and exams coming.

was at home all day. finishing up the assignment.

then broke fast. alone.
had butter rice. forgot to put salt. grilled meat. marinated with oyster sauce, cinnamon, olive oil, an vegeables in tomyam sauce.
coffee with chocolate and milk.

watched queer eye for the straight guy.... luvd that show...

wat else can i luv...

Yup Everything happens for a reason... if u cannot change it, accept it.

we led to believe that we have no power to change things. well ladies and gentleman, believe it. u cant change how a person feels or how they think. u can only accomodate.

right now i am stuck with the loan thing and no one understands the difficulty i am in, not even my father. i think he deserves another cold treatment from me to get the message through.

its only just three years ago dat my relationship with him normalised. before that i had not actually ever had talked to him a little over a year. dat is long by our families' standards. i dont ask for much. i dont shower for attention. dats the last thing i expect. i just want an understanding.

i have taken all the responsibilities that have been asked of me. so wat more do u want?

i m here at my own expense and still i m not allowed to do what i want?
isnt dat simply unfair?

i m stuck in a rut. really really stuck.
u ppl expect me to come home wen u r precisely the same reason why i have gone away. why?? no one at home to take the responsibility?

u dont see me as important yet u depend on me... wat kind of fuck logic is dat?

well, if u cant change it then accept it...

that's the story so far....

PS- indeed i havent been unfair to u...again, watever decision u take, i shall respect it. miss u still. goodbye.

when the music starts
when the dance began
our eyes would meet
there would be no end

and the music stopped
the moving wind dropped
silence ensued
the moment reigned

i would fly to u
on this wing made of wax
fly across ocean and south east asia
along with the great migration

i would go by sea
on this boat of paper
glide pass the island of Bali
with dolphins as my guide

i think one of god's greatest gift to man is the ability to scream at the top of their voice... that is if u have the ability to speak... i am not a screamer, meaning i do not scream dat often but i think wen i do its pretty loud...

well dats exactly wat i did last nite... it was 2am and i screamed... i have no idea wat dats for ... for now... probably i will figure dat one out soon...

went to school... class cancelled....
today went into class... assigment got lost somewhere...
talked to this certain someone.... head's too thick to penetrate....

well other than that everything's fine...

wat else can i do...
shall seek solace from my music....

this songwriting is driving me crazy cos i am not getting the lyrics right... maybe i m trying to be someone i m not suppose to be... verbose..very verbose... so each day since friday i have spent the afternoon walking at lake herdsman park... i have gotten a few good stuffs but i dont think they are good enuff... maybe i should get someone to read it so that i can gauge.. *sigh* but no one is interested... nevermind shall self critique my stuffs....

Ali's gone to Melbourne this afternoon till Sunday, i think... now that he is gone.. can use the phone line again..

house inspection was today... cleaned the house yesterday.. the houseagent came and went when we were asleep... or at least i saw heard her.... i think we got away with it...

the busy week is over... now i can concentrate on my research report.. the one that i painstakingly did... had a few interviews with songwriters around perth.. and then have to do that song... i dunno whether to do it live or recorded for my presentation.. contemplating....

this busy week actually brought me to my teaching years... i dunno why but it just did... come to think of it wat did teaching bring me if not only to confirm my suspicion that government policies are run by ignorant, inflexible imbicles... was it out of sheer stupidity? perhaps.... but i m over dat now...

anyway the point i am getting at is that in my last year of teaching i did something that i have never done before in the 6 years of teaching.... perform in front of the whole school... TWICE!!! one on children's day and the other on a year end concert.... the second time we had a live band and all... that was pretty cool actually... and i think to the kids it meant a lot... i mean i knew i was going out... so why not go out with a bang... it was the least i could do for the kids that i had taught....

well the legend of Mr Irawan continues....

i think perhaps, sting is the greatest lyricist of all time... i mean look at it... even wen he wrote those simplistic stuffs like Every Breath you Take... only geniuses can articulate so accurately how one feels... but too bad no one understands wat i am talking about... but i just have to get it off my chest... for example, a thousand years... i have tried many times to reproduce something like that let alone its lyrics... i just have to say... fucking genius..well, the english teacher in him could be seen all over the lyrics... one of my favourites which i particularly like... is called Mad About You.. no not that sitcom... that;s one too geeky... cheesy... this one really means something... let's look at it....

MAD ABOUT YOU
A stone's throw from Jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you, I'm lost without you
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand and fall into the sea
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you
And from the dark secluded valleys
I heard the ancient songs of sadness
But every step I thought of you
Every footstep only you
Every star a grain of sand
The leavings of a dried up ocean
Tell me, how much longer,
How much longer?
They say a city in the desert lies
The vanity of an ancient king
But the city lies in broken pieces
Where the wind howls and the vultures sing
These are the works of man
This is the sum of our ambition
It would make a prison of my life
If you became another's wife
With every prison blown to dust
My enemies walk free
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you
And I have never in my life
Felt more alone than I do now
Although I claim dominions over all I see
It means nothing to me
There are no victories
In all our histories
Without love
A stone's throw from Jerusalem
I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the April moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness
I'm lost without you, I'm lost without you
And though you hold the keys to ruin of everything I see
With every prison blown to dust my enemies walk free
Though all my kingdoms turn to sand and fall into the sea
I'm mad about you, I'm mad about you

...everytime i look at it... i say to myself... wen i m in love.. dats exactly how i feel... How much longer! How much longer... well i just have to settle for these fictional emotions..

speaking about which i still dunno wat to write about... for my bloody song...

all my kingdom's turned to sand...
as it falls to the sea..

how tragic..
how apt....

well no one understands anyway....

(Music by Sting & Kipper, Lyrics by Sting)
A thousand years, a thousand more,
A thousand times a million doors to eternity
I may have lived a thousand lives, a thousand times
An endless turning stairway climbs
To a tower of souls
If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,
The towers rise to numberless floors in space
I could shed another million tears, a million breaths,
A million names but only one truth to face
A million roads, a million fears
A million suns, ten million years of uncertainty
I could speak a million lies, a million songs,
A million rights, a million wrongs in this balance of time
But if there was a single truth, a single light
A single thought, a singular touch of grace
Then following this single point, this single flame,
The single haunted memory of your face
I still love you I still want you
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves
Like galaxies in my head
I may be numberless, I may be innocent
I may know many things, I may be ignorant
Or I could ride with kings and conquer many lands
Or win this world at cards and let it slip my hands
I could be cannon food, destroyed a thousand times
Reborn as fortune's child to judge another's crimes
Or wear this pilgrim's cloak, or be a common thief
I've kept this single faith, I have but one belief
I still love you I still want you
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves
Like galaxies in my head
On and on the mysteries unwind themselves
Eternities still unsaid 'Til you love me

just wrote a new song... here it is..


You rant and rave and complain
Even if the day were fine
Even if the day were calm
Even when the picture we took was nice

You rage and fume and grumble
Even if I were to give you a card
Even if I were to buy you a dress
Even when last night was fantastic

I m that sensitive man
Who gave you those hugs and kisses
To tell you all those misses
But what can I say
I still love you

You seethe and storm and grouse
For the bus we missed came too early
How easy for you to change your mind
How simple for a change of heart

the day that began slow stretched immesureably. maybe becos it had rained the day before. maybe the gods are frowning. or someones plain sad. for some reason, i thot this day would never end. but it did. its been a bit too chilly for spring season. thot we might get a lot more sunshine than that. i have no complains. everyone complaining y it hasnt been warm enuff. but when its warm everyones complaining y it hasnt been cold enuff. arent u ever happy wif wat u ever have. its called being contented. tho u can never be satisfied wif anything, u can never not be contented. thot content is ur middle name. so found ur perfectionist part. so thats where its hiding all these while.

now the night seemed to be racing for the end. or its just my heartbeat's beating dastardly fast. maybe theres latent anger. i dunno. i still feel contented. but i now there is exasperation somewhere. lament. or even disappointment. or m i just plain spoilt. spoilt with nothing. i have never had anything dat has been given to me. no gifts that was worth even more than 50 dollars. everything i ever owned, i have worked hard for it. i have had a few charities. those hand me downs.

maybe i have never had a charmed life. probably dats y i m reaping its benefits now.

sex life u mean...

A song for the Broken Hearted

Don’t go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore
I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are
Don’t go trying some new fashion
Don’t change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don’t want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.
I said I love you and that’s forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are

i spent the whole day at home... well not at all the time actually.. twice i went out... one to the deli... the other time to pick flowers... picked a few daffodils, some roses, and a couple of sunflowers.. well other times, i ate and did my essay on arthurian legends... well boring stuffs.. the more exciting stuffs, i practiced scales on my guitar... for about an hour...wrote some lyrics... and took a half an hour nap... watched South Africa vs Uruguay but then that game became one sided that i switched the tv off to continue with my assignments...

late in the evening went City Garden for supper, it was Joe's farewell dinner. in the party were Dennis, Fozz, Hazel, Joe, of course, Dina, Alex and Muammad (surprise,surprise). we had, lemon chicken, hot squid, kangkong sambal belacan, hot and sour soup. it was a pretty nice dinner. well it should be! Joe paid for it... its seldom someone treats me for dinner anyway... well chap.. good luck to u... n ur future endevours!

i wonder hows my family doing?

my brother, Herman, the one whos working at Centro hasnt been home for 3 years now... i hope he is ok.. the last time i met him was earlier this year before i left for perth... it seemed so long time ago even it though it hasnt been a year yet....

10 things i hate about myself
1-my charm
2-my charm
3-my charm
4-my charm
5-my charm
6-my charm
7-my charm
8-my charm
9-my charm
10-my charm

well wat to do... U Like

i have no idea why i titled this posting as the end of the road.. probably becos i was listening to the 90s classic The End of the Road by Boyz2Men

i apologise for expressing without filtering it thru my mind. Often when i m upset i never express it becos usually i would have channelled them elsewhere. Singing and playing in a band serves as those channels. Nowadays i have neither. So these emotions have been bottled up long enuff. Perhaps dat explains sometimes, or at least 4 e past year, i cry 4 no reason. Well that hasnt happened 4 a while.
the other medium in which i channel my emotions is thru writing. Looking back at my journal, the anger n frustration has been building 4 a month or 2 so i figured i should have seen it coming.
i m not sure if it is still in there, cos i have never snapped. All these emotions i find negative i have channelled them. I have channelled them so well dat sometimes i seem emotionless. Emptiness.
But if anyone speaks the language of e eyes can see my pain. I dont seek a fren or lover who understands me, i just want dat unpretentious someone 2 talk 2.

Bali Bali Bali... for fuck sake... Bali is in South east Asia... I have relatives there!! My uncle died in the bombing!!! fucking Aussies... yeah.... yeah... BOLLOCKS to u!!! and part of my heritage is Bali... fucking hell... will anyone tell them that!!!

need i say more... its like its THEIR problem... for God's sake... who has the bad name now? Islam... and where is Bali??? in the MALAY ARCHIPELAGO!!!! So who is at fault.... THE MALAYS OF COURSE!!! if there's a problem it has got to be us... US.. .US ... mind u not United States... but the MALAYS...

it doesnt matter if u r not by blood .... if u speak the language... speak it at home... look like one... eat the food... practice the culture whether in part or in whole... U R MALAY!!! Bloody Malays... to hell with the race... if u cant help urselves NO ONE will!!! U hear me!!!

man! i have got 4 deadlines to meet next week... on wednesday, thursday, and 2 on friday... well i have got one out of the way... so that's three more to go ... i dont wori so much about the two essays but its the writer's folio dats the big task...
plus the fact my gf not really giving me an easy time... well i have been through dat.. so wat do i have to wori about? precisely...

its not that i do not want to go home... but i m forced by circumstances not to.. firstly.. my next semester's school fees... arent paid yet... so dats where working down south comes in handy... hopefully i get almost $6000 to cover the school fees... i m not gonna ask my dad to pay my skul fees... dats only the last resort... hopefully i get a bit of help from the Lee Foundation.... Fozz's friend got the assistance... almost half is covered.... dats good enuff for me...secondly, if i go home.. then i will not work... if i dont work then not enuff money for melbourne next year... thirdly i would like to go home... there are many reasons for that...

first reason... my gf's back home ... second reason... its idulfitri... meet parents ask for forgiveness... ( i m not exactly dat far away ) .... third reason... i have tons of wedding to attend... and they are my best friends... so wat kind of bf, son, fren would i be... if i m dont come home!!! but if i dont come home please Lord make them understand ....

y its always me that have to understand people... maybe i m too nice... i never say no... yup maybe... i quit my job... a good paying job... no make that a very good paying one... despite discriminations and heartaches.... being put down... being pissed on... being treated like a mere dog... but then again... its nothing compared to the oppressed people of Palestine... the hungry of Somalia... the drunkard aborigines... take it with my chin up and i will be fine.... i mean these things are always there... it just comes in different forms...so fuck it i guess!

maybe i will tell u about discriminations i faced at work some day... its just too personal and painful to talk about while its still fresh in my mind...

on a lighter note... i hung out wif Bryan... this supercute American guy... according to Lauren... after class.. just lazying around in the grass... class was a drag.... had a couple of smokes... and some beer he got from the student housing... well after which i staggered my ass back home.... but the sleep dragged me to Churchlands Campus... yeah... fell asleep... overshot... by a LOT!! well!... my as well drop by the MegaLab... so dat i dont fall asleep wen i get home....

weather's pretty warm today...
29 Degrees Celcius... but its ok...
clear sky and all...
looking forward to the heat of summer....

Cheers
Irawan

Woman

what can i say
but women r my life
blame my mother
4 she was e sweetest thing
in the world
even more beautiful than the prettiest
and the prettiest is you
am i or am right
dis could go into the night
loving u wif all might

I do not like the word normal especially in describing a day. the reason for that is that it doesnt say anything about the day. wat constitutes a normal day? have breakfast? then go to school if u are schooling? lunch.. and then do ur homework? or go home sleep... see there are tons of things that go differently... each day is different as it is...
perhaps a normal day is such when nothing special happens... for example u r not involved in car accident... or when u suddenly find out all the thousands of dollars have disappeared from ur bank account... is that a special day?
to me everyday's a special day... be it normal or otherwise... but then again.. i do have a sort of a daily routine... dat to me probably is a normal day... but still everydays special...
well during the term break i broke out of that routine, which is a pleasure... cos... my gf came by to perth... dat to me is special... it is a day out of the ordinary... her mere presence, despite her complaints, was enuff to make my day... well dats wat i think anyway... i dont expect anyone to share this becos i believe: to each his own...
i thought i had forgotten to feel being in love. then u find dat its been there all these while... am i being too mushy? who cares.... being in love is easy... but to sustain it is a different all together... probably theres a recipe for love...

a cup of preserverance
a teaspoon of patience
a dash of surprises
a sackful of communication
loads of trust
a spread of kisses and hugs
and
a pinch of eroticism

dats my recipe of love.... but take my advice... dont listen to me... i have failed a couple of times... so all these things are not for the faint hearted... but then again isnt dat what it is all about? its one of those things dat makes ur heart stop.... and thats good for ur soul... if anyone cant stand dat... then they are unfit for the package... yes it comes in a package...

irawan

hi guys... n girls too... i shall be saying anything... evrything.. and sometimes nothing...

sometimes it wud be intellectual... other times... mindless.... but i dont care... do u?... even if u do ... i still dont....

who asked u to read them anyways!!!

cheers
don irajuan menado